


...And All the Rest

by Loth-Cat (Starbird)



Series: Just This Night [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Established Relationship, F/M, Family Bonding, Fluff and Angst, Kanera in Later Chapter, Missions, Nightmares, Non-Explicit Sex, Reverse Fake Dating, Undercover as a Couple, relationships are hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2020-05-07 18:32:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 38,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19215133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/pseuds/Loth-Cat
Summary: A week after the events on Yavin 4 that changed Ezra and Sabine's relationship, they are out in the field on a mission to infiltrate an Imperial outpost. When it goes wrong and they're forced to hide out for the night, they find that adjusting to having a romantic relationship is harder than they thought.Missions, family bonding, Chopper being an ass as always, and, of course, trying to figure out romance and relationships amidst war.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo, I decided to go ahead and write a direct sequel to "Just This Night." I wanted to before, because I really liked the headspace "JTN" took place in, but I couldn't think of a plot. There's not much of one here, but I'm hoping to do more with it. I've only got about 3 chapters so far and hoping to expand. There's also a possibility that this will contradict "Already Home," which is trunked for now. I haven't really liked that piece, tbqh, so I don't plan on coming back to it. We'll see how this one goes!

Night on this planet was beautiful. Crystal clear, stars bright. In the distance, an Imperial outpost loomed, totally unaware of what was about to happen.

Way out here, though, at the _Ghost_ ’s camp, the Empire didn’t touch them. Despite being enslaved by the Empire, the planet was still peaceful. Ezra lay back on a rock, hands behind his head, picking out constellations. Did the inhabitants see the Rabbit Lothalians saw in those six stars directly to the north? Or the Princess on her way to meet her lover the Archer in the woods, way to the south?

Soft boosteps approached, and Ezra closed his eyes as her warmth washed through the Force. _Sabine._

She stopped at his head, and he opened his eyes. Sabine stood over him, looking down into his face with her fists on her hips.

“You’re supposed to be on watch,” she said.

“I am watching,” Ezra replied.

“For the _Empire_ , not shooting stars.”

Ezra smiled. “I don’t need a shooting star. My wish already came true.”

Sabine groaned and rolled her eyes. “That’s horrible, Ezra.” She dropped down next to him, her knee bumping his. It had been a week since their friendship had changed to a romance, and he still hadn’t gotten used to it. In a way, he hoped he never did.

“How’s Zeb?” Ezra asked.

“He’ll live,” Sabine answered wryly. “He should know better than to bet against me and try to talk his way out of it when he loses.”

“Still, you didn’t need to challenge him to a hand-to-hand fight to settle it.”

Sabine shrugged. “So you say.”

Ezra smiled and rolled over to face her. “Still on for infiltration in an hour?”

“Yup. The Empire won’t know what hit them. Once we insert that data spike, they better start counting their days.”

Ezra pulled himself up into a sitting position next to her. The planet was temperate, with warm nights. It made him want to linger outside with Sabine and not go back inside the ship and prep for a mission – even if he was going on a mission with her. She didn’t say anything more as they sat there in the still night, and Ezra bent over his knees to fidget with the grass. It was a habit of his, the fidgeting, when things between them became too uncomfortable or he felt nervous. He didn’t like to admit how often he felt nervous around Sabine now. They’d been so comfortable before, but now, things got awkward more often than not. It was a byproduct, he supposed, of how quickly they’d moved, a function of the fact that they’d had sex. They’d seen and felt each other’s bodies in a way they never had before, that no one else ever had before. Not only that, but they got precious little time alone together. It was worse now, in a way, having that constant want inside him. Wanting to talk to her, wanting to be sure things were okay and they were still on the same page, wanting to touch her. He had no idea how she kept it under wraps so well. He’d blurted out his love for her as quickly as he could, whereas she was perfectly content with where they were. He wished he had that kind of calm about this. It was ironic that he was the Jedi and he had absolutely no calm.

“So, um,” Ezra started, running the powder-soft grass through his fingers. “Zeb’s getting worse at cooking.”

“Was he ever any good?”

“No, but just seems like he’s just…worse. How can you mess up rehydrated bread?”

“I think Zeb hates bread.”

“I thought he liked all carbs.”

“No, that’s you.”

“Probably why we get along so well.”

Sabine smiled. She wasn’t looking at him, instead staring out at the outpost in the distance, while he kept sneaking glances at her. He wanted to take a breath to slow the rapid beat of his heart, but he didn’t want Sabine to think he was just so terrible at this, or to know how she made him feel. She knew all the other ways she affected him, but he wanted to come off more confident.

He wished he could talk to Kanan. But what would he _say_? Hera hadn’t let on about their relationship even in the slightest, so as far as Ezra knew, the rest of the crew was in the dark. He and Sabine both wanted to keep it that way, to have this special thing kept private and only to themselves, but Ezra felt totally out of his element here. He hadn’t even had any friends his age after his parents disappeared, and after the Spectres had taken him in, there had just been Sabine. And even then, only after a time. It had taken years to get to where they were before all this happened. How did one go from a friend to a lover? How did that transition work?

“Does he hate flatbread too?” Ezra asked into the silence. Sabine looked over at him, brows drawn down.

“I’ve never asked,” she said, and he was caught. He knew that look in her eyes. “We can just sit here, you know. We don’t have to talk.”

Ezra nodded and lay back again, feeling once more like he’d made things weird. Turning his gaze up to the sky again, he looked for the Caterpillar, wriggling next to the Princess. Before she got to her lover, she would encounter the Caterpillar, tell him the secrets of the universe, and the weight of the knowledge would transform him into a butterfly, forever keeping her secrets.

Sabine reclined back as well, and after a moment, she moved to rest her head on his shoulder. “My favorite constellation is the Warrior Daughter,” she said. She raised her arm to point. “See those stars there?” Her finger drew lines in the air. “That’s her. She’s strong and confident, and she was the first clan leader. She can beat anyone in a match.”

“That’s Lothal’s Princess,” Ezra said, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her closer. She relaxed into his side, and he could smell her hair now, feel all of her body against his. “She crosses the sky each night to meet the Archer, her lover.”

“Does she kill him?” Sabine asked.

Ezra made a face. “Uh, no? They’re together.”

“Oh.” Sabine sounded disappointed, and Ezra couldn’t help but laugh.

“You wanted her to kill him?” he asked.

“I don’t know, maybe? Makes the story more interesting, don’t you think?”

Ezra clasped his hands together at her shoulder. “I like the Princess the way she is. She’s gentle and kind and doesn’t like fighting.”

“Mm. No wonder you like her.”

“And no wonder you like the Warrior Daughter.” He ducked his head to be closer to her, want washing over him again, the darkness and peace of the night bolstering his courage. He felt the shift in their connection as Sabine sensed him, and she raised her head. Leaning into him, she pressed her lips to his, and the contact sparked bright and hot inside him. It had been at least a day and a half since they’d had a chance to kiss, having only brief touches as consolation, and it wasn’t nearly enough. Ezra didn’t consider himself touch-starved in general, but with Sabine, going without her touch for even a short amount of time felt like torture. Every time they connected physically, their bond lit up, and it was so electric that it left him always wanting more. And as exciting as it was, it wasn’t even that that he chased after and craved every time. It was their emotional connection, too, feeling his heart and mind connect with her every time they touched.

Ezra turned onto his side, pulling Sabine onto her side, too, pressing closer, and kissed her deeper. Sabine wrapped her arms around him and held him, her hand sliding up into his hair. It was dangerous, he knew. They were out in the open, close to the ship, and –

“We shouldn’t be doing this here,” Sabine murmured. “We’re going to get caught.”

 _I don’t care._ The thought rose into his mind again, even though he knew they both wanted to keep their relationship private. But at times like this, when all he wanted was just to be with her, he wondered if it would really be so bad if the crew knew. But as soon as that thought crossed his mind, the thought of Zeb and Chopper teasing him and Kanan and Hera worrying about teen pregnancy or something followed right after. He knew it was best to keep it quiet.

Reluctantly, Ezra pulled away. “I know,” he said. Sabine’s hand lowered from where she’d had her fingers threaded through his hair, and he breathed out and rolled over onto his back. Sabine started to move away, and so he dropped his arms from around her shoulders. Swallowing, he stared up at the night sky and wished, once again, that things were different.

Sabine gently nudged his shoulder with her elbow. “Come on,” she said. “It’s not that bad. You look like someone just kicked your favorite tooka.”

Ezra sat up again. “I just feel like we lost so much time, when we could’ve had this and didn’t.”

“We weren’t in the right place. And we’ll have time after the war ends.”

“If it ever does.” _And if my part to play in it doesn’t end badly._ Because he always felt that lead weight in his stomach when he thought about the future, and he got that sense of distance being between them at some point, for a good length of time. Would she wait for him, he wondered? Or would she just move on? Looking into her face, he thought, _I don’t know if I can live with her moving on without me._

He broke eye contact with her, feeling the sense of the future swirling inside him and wanting it to dissolve away. Wanting to change it and knowing he couldn’t. Again he pulled at the grass, shredding it between his fingers, staring at it but not really seeing it.

“Sabine,” Zeb’s voice called from the ship. Both she and Ezra turned around to face him. “Need you to rewire the lock on my door. Chopper’s scrambled the code again. Also need you to find a way to get back at him.”

“On it.” She got up and walked back to the ship. Zeb came out and joined Ezra.

“Everything all right?” the Lasat asked.

“Sure, yeah, fine,” Ezra said. “Nothing wrong at all.”

“Good. I never can tell with humans.”

“You can’t tell with anyone.”

“You all look the same to me, and your expressions don’t make any sense.” He paused a moment. “You and Sabine fight?”

“No,” Ezra answered, worry quickly flaring up inside him. “Why would you think that?”

Zeb shrugged, face turned up to the brilliant stars above. “You two are just acting weird, is all.”

“No, nothing happened.”

But Ezra’s stomach clenched when he said it. To say _nothing happened_ was such a gross lie, even if what he meant was that no, he and Sabine didn’t fight. To downplay what had happened between them, even to protect the privacy of their relationship, just made his stomach twist.

“’Course, it’s hard to say what’s weird for you. Teenagers,” Zeb added with derision that he probably only partly meant.

“If you’re going to make yourself comfortable, then I’m going to go back to the ship,” Ezra said, standing up. “I’m done being on watch.”

“I’d rather be out here than in there. I get antsy before missions. Just want to get to it and break some stormtroopers.”

“Fair enough.”

Ezra returned to the _Ghost_ and headed to the common area, where Kanan, Hera, and Sabine were gathered around the table.

“You ready to go?” Hera asked him when he walked in.

“Definitely,” Ezra said. “Just need to change.”

Hera nodded. “Good. Get your disguises on and get moving. You know the protocol if something goes wrong.”

“Which it will,” Sabine said. “Nothing ever goes right with Imps.”

Hera clasped Sabine’s shoulder and gave her a smile. “I’m confident you both can handle it. Now go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 11/28/19: FYI, I made up all the constellation stuff, and I'm actually wrong about how constellations work on different planets anyway, so...don't go by me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mission, as expected, runs into complications.

For this mission, Ezra and Sabine would be infiltrating the outpost as regular Imperial officers. Sabine had already given Chopper a new paint job, which he had been grumbling about for hours. The _Ghost_ would be standing by, ready to intervene if it became necessary.

For his part, Ezra hated the Imperial uniform, and not just because he had to dress up and pretend to be an Imperial. It was just uncomfortable and hard to move in, and it looked stupid besides. There was also no place for him to put his lightsaber, so he’d be relying on Chopper to eject it out of one of his storage compartments should the situation go sour.

The trio set off into the night, Chopper still moaning about his paint job and occasionally complaining about the terrain.

“Can’t you use the Force to help him?” Sabine asked irritably. “Or get him to shut up about it?”

“I’m not going to waste the Force on him,” Ezra replied. “He’s doing just fine.”

Chopper blatted and quickly skated around a boulder seconds before he would’ve crashed into it.

“How about you keep quiet from now on, okay?” Ezra said. “Or do you want to compromise the mission?”

The droid replied in colorful language, but Ezra ignored him. He didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.

A good hour later, they finally approached the outpost. A couple stormtroopers guarded the entrance, blasters drooping.

“Code cylinders,” one said flatly.

Ezra raised his hand. “You don’t need to see our code cylinders.”

The effect was instantaneous. “I don’t need to see your code cylinders.”

“You will let us in – ”

“Hey,” the other trooper broke in. “It’s protocol that everyone who enters must show – ”

Ezra turned the Force toward him. “You will use your codes to let us in.”

The stormtrooper parroted the words, then turned and tapped at the door controls. The door whooshed up, and the Spectres entered. The communications room was situated at the back of the outpost, furthest away from the door. That meant they had to keep up the charade for a good while in front of a whole host of Imperials. They may be lazy here, but they were still the enemy and therefore, still dangerous. However, they made it to the communications center with no incidents, and Ezra persuaded the two officers in there to go so they could get to work.

“That’s not going to buy us much time,” Sabine said as she took the data spike from Chopper and inserted it into the port.

“You have a better idea?” Ezra asked, fingers itching to hold onto his lightsaber. She was right, of course. The Force would wear off on them soon enough, and they’d be left wondering why they’d abandoned their posts.

Sabine didn’t answer, instead typing at the keyboard. “Chop, get to that terminal and download everything you can find. Classified stuff especially. Then be ready to go when the spike finishes.”

Chopper chirped acknowledgment and rolled to a port to plug in. Ezra watched the door, the warning tickle starting up at the back of his mind.

“We need to hurry,” he said. “They’re going to come back soon.”

“That’s not helping.”

Ezra felt both his own flash of irritation as well as Sabine’s.

“I’m just saying,” he said. “That trick doesn’t work very long.”

“Well, then maybe you should have told them to do something other than go for a cup of caf!” she retorted. The spike finally worked itself all the way in. “Got it. I’m in. Chop, go. Insert the code first and then download.”

Information flashed by on the screen, too fast to read. They were not only stealing classified information about the Empire’s dealings in this part of the Inner Rim, but they were also adding in a line of code that would relay all updates through a variety of rebel stations before ending up at Rebel Intelligence.

Voices spoke outside the door. Their time had run out.

“I don’t remember telling you to leave your posts.”

“I don’t even remember leaving my post…”

“Me, neither.”

“That’s no excuse,” the first voice admonished. “Get back to your duties. You have no idea who could have gotten in while you were away on a caf break. Expect further disciplinary action for this appalling behavior.”

Then the door opened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this was a lot shorter than I realized...


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra and Sabine hide out in a cave for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m posting this drunk. Hope it’s all right. Wrote 90% of it sober, at least. Also, I really like this chapter! Locked in a cave, oh nooooeeeees. I really enjoy writing Ezra's introspection and
> 
> w/e i'm too drunk. enjoy the heavy kissing. dedicated to MY GIRL [@aluckydenvermint](https://aluckydenvermint.tumblr.com/).

Three uniformed Imperials entered the room. The leader put his fists on his hips.

“What do we have here?” he asked. “You’re not authorized to be in this room.”

“Yes, we are,” Ezra said, attempting a firm tone. With three of them, it would be too difficult to try to persuade them with the Force. “Maybe you’re the one who’s not authorized.”

Through his bond with Sabine, he felt what was distinctly a groan.

“Excuse me?” the Imperial said. “I’m the commander of this outpost. I don’t recognize you.”

“We transferred in yesterday,” Sabine said as she inconspicuously pulled out the data spike. Passing it under the console to Chopper, she said, “We just got lost. Thought this was the mess.”

“I’m going to need to see your identification and orders.”

“We lost those, too,” Ezra put in.

“Time to go,” Sabine said as she pulled her blaster from its holster. She squeezed the trigger and hit the commander in the chest. Chopper squawked and slid back a compartment on his dome, revealing Ezra’s lightsaber. He ejected it high up into the air right as Ezra reached for it.

 _“Chopper!”_ he snapped, reaching out with the Force to pull the weapon toward him. The other Imperial officers opened fire, causing him to duck out of the way. Once the saber landed in his palm, he began deflecting the bolts back.

After the officers lay dead on the ground, Sabine and Ezra dragged the bodies into the room.

“Don’t know why we’re bothering,” Sabine said. “I’m sure the entire outpost heard that.”

“Probably,” Ezra replied, right before an alarm sounded, red lights flashed on, and a voice over the speakers announced that the outpost had been infiltrated by rebels. “Definitely,” he added.

They sped away from the communications room as stormtroopers poured out into the hallway. The officers occasionally returned fire, but mostly they stayed out of the way. Typical.

“Chop,” Ezra said as they ran, closing in on the only exit, “get out and circle around north back to the _Ghost_. We’ll head south and hide out if we have to.”

 _You expect_ me _to make it back over that terrain_ myself _?_ came Chopper’s snarky reply.

“I do,” Ezra replied as he deflected a bolt behind his back. “We need to split up.”

_Then Spectre Five should go on ahead while you stay back providing defensive cover._

“That’s not going to happen.” A blaster bolt flew way too close to his shoulder, close enough that he felt the heat from it. He flinched and refocused. “We’ll go together, and you’ll get the information out.”

Chopper cackled.

“Just follow my orders!”

 _Had to be a real bantha-brain to put_ you _in charge._

“Would you two stop arguing?!” Sabine bit out. “Imperials? Firing at us? About to block us in?”

Ezra looked ahead at the exit/entrance to see stormtroopers barricading the door and fanning out to cover it.

“Time to change the plan,” Ezra said tightly. He dashed into the closest room on the right, which was the south side of the base. The _Ghost_ lay a few kilometers away this direction, but he didn’t expect he and Sabine would be able to evade search patrols enough to secretly steal away. Chopper, though, wouldn’t be their focus, and he could head north and swing back around. He could move faster with his thrusters anyway and get the information back, which was the most important thing.

Sabine closed the door and shot the lock. “Won’t buy us much time,” she said. “What’s your plan?”

Ezra shoved the blade of his saber into the wall. “Cut our way out.”

“ _Very_ sophisticated.”

He grit his teeth at the remark and began cutting a wide hole. Troopers pounded on the door outside, but it would take them longer to get in than for him to finish their exit. He kicked the center of the circle, and the disc fell back to the grass outside. The rebels ran out, Chopper breaking off to go his way, Ezra and Sabine heading toward the rocky wall to the east. Ezra shut his lightsaber down and clipped it back to his belt as they ran.

“They’re going to send out patrols,” he said. “We need to find a place to hide and stay hidden for a while.”

Sabine nodded and moved closer to the wall. “I bet there’s a cave in here somewhere,” she said. “If we could find one – ”

“There’s one.” Ezra pointed to a part of the wall that was darker than the rest. Behind them, Imperials spewed out of the outpost on foot, speeder, and in aircraft. His heart pounded, fear starting to curl up. They had to make it before they were found.

Finally the mouth of the cave approached, and they sped inside. Sabine began sweeping it with her torch while Ezra looked around outside for something to block the entrance with. The cave wasn’t large, but they didn’t want to take any chances. A boulder lay a few meters away, and he began wrestling it along.

“There,” Ezra grunted as shouldered the stone into place. Turning to Sabine and dusting his hands off on his jacket, he said, “That should keep us hidden for a few hours till the patrols die down.”

“Why didn’t you just use the Force?” Sabine asked. Ezra shrugged.

“I dunno. I don’t always use it.” He flashed her a smile. “Wanted to show off my muscles.”

Sabine snorted and looked away. She swept her light around again. “Nothing in here to make a fire with. We’re going to need to go out again and get some kindling.”

Ezra motioned to the boulder. “I just locked us in.”

Sabine turned back around. “Well, roll it away again. With your muscles.”

Ezra rolled his eyes and stretched his hand out to it. The boulder scraped against the entrance to the cave and shifted away. “There,” he said. “I used the Force. Happy now?”

“Mind muscles.”

“Either way.”

Ezra stepped out into the night, glancing around for the Imps. Sure enough, search parties still crisscrossed the land. Ducking down, he hurried to the closest tree and began pulling at branches. They didn’t give much, indicating they had some moisture in them.

 _Shavit,_ Ezra thought. _Come on!_

He finally broke a few branches off and scurried back inside before the troops swept this part of the terrain. He shoved the boulder back into place.

“Any luck?” Sabine asked.

“Not much,” Ezra said as he dropped the branches on the cave floor. “It’ll have to do. Can’t cut them down with my lightsaber.”

“Yeah, that thing is not exactly subtle.”

Sabine dropped to her knees and began gathering the kindling into a pile. “It won’t last long. How long are you planning on being here?”

Ezra pressed his lips together and didn’t answer. He watched Sabine as she set about trying to spark a fire. When rubbing sticks together failed, she pulled out her blaster and shot the pile. A red bolt lanced out and hit the kindling. Fire leapt up.

“Hey!” Ezra exclaimed. “Someone could have heard that!”

“Oh, please,” Sabine replied, poking the wood closer together. “No one has swept this area yet, and that giant rock you muscled into place so impressively will have blocked the noise.”

Something flickered in Ezra’s chest. “You were impressed by that?”

Sabine looked at him and quirked her mouth up. Ezra rolled his eyes again, shook his head, and turned away with his hands on his hips.

Soon, a small, but bright fire blazed in the cave. Pleased, Ezra sat down and crossed his legs.

“Did you get a message back to Hera?” he asked. Sabine nodded.

“Yes. She told me to enjoy the time off.”

“Ha.” He sat close enough to her that his knee brushed hers, and he tried not to think about it, instead taking a stick and prodding the fire. Sabine said nothing, and soon, he began to feel uncomfortable, a sort of tingling anxiety spreading through his chest. Their knees pressed together still – Sabine made no effort to move hers – and the anticipation, the possibility, of something more happening made his heart race.

They were alone. Completely alone. They hadn’t been alone together since Yavin 4. Since…

Ezra swallowed. He’d been in her bunk a couple times, always sneaking back to his room in the wee hours of the morning, but this was the first time they’d been _truly_ alone. He wanted…

Without meaning to, he started to push at the flames with the Force, making them dance. He stared at the fire, not really seeing it, as he thought. He couldn’t help it; his mind traveled back to their night together on Yavin 4. He wondered about Sabine and what she still thought of it, if she liked it as much as he had, if she wanted to do it again like he did. He wondered if she’d felt satisfied by the experience, if he’d made her feel as good as she’d made him feel. He wanted to be close to her again, wanted to see her like that again. The pink flush on her cheeks as she lay below him, the hitches of her breath, her hands on his arms. He wanted that again, that and more. He wanted to feel more of her, touch every part of her. There was still so much more to explore, and it frustrated him that they couldn’t just _be_ together. There was always something in the way. Sure, he’d always known there would be, and he’d thought he could deal with it, but the harsh reality of having to stay away from her more often than not was so much worse than what he’d imagined.

Ezra sighed, clenching his fist when he realized he was messing around with the Force again. It was a bad habit, and he needed to stop it.

“What are you thinking about?” Sabine asked. Ezra flinched. He’d hoped she hadn’t noticed.

“Just that…we don’t ever get time together,” he answered. Sabine shrugged.

“Casualties of war,” she said. She wasn’t looking at him, focused instead on the fire and prodding it with the stick he had let fall to the ground earlier. Ezra studied her profile, wanting…wanting…

“It’s just…hard,” he confessed. “Being around you and…not getting to be near you.”

Sabine turned a smile on him. “I know,” she said quietly. “It’s hard for me, too.”

Ezra’s breath caught in his chest as he looked at her, his gaze on her lips no matter how hard he tried to look away. Then she shifted closer to him, laying her hand gently on his leg, and something inside him snapped. He could no longer just keep looking. Surging forward, he pressed his mouth to hers. She didn’t resist in the slightest, her hand coming up to the back of his neck as she returned the kiss. Ezra couldn’t help it; he pushed her back onto the cave floor, heartrate soaring and blood rushing in his veins. Sabine laughed quietly, but he barely heard it. His focus had narrowed to the feel of her lips on his, her body under his, the rocky floor of the cave digging into his palms. He couldn’t stop or even slow the way he felt, his body quickly heating up. Sabine clearly felt the same, breathing shallowly and quickly, her chest brushing his every time she took a breath. Too, he felt her emotions through their bond. She shifted against him and caused him to gasp, tearing his mouth from hers and putting his forehead on her shoulder. His whole body was too sensitive. Her fingers slid up into his hair, and she cradled his head as he turned it to kiss her neck. Sabine sighed appreciatively, clutching him close.

“This is a bad idea,” she murmured. “We shouldn’t. Those Imps are still out there.”

“I know, I know.” He kissed her neck again, and then his breath shuddered out of him. “I’m sorry.”

Ezra pulled away, going back up on his palms again, but Sabine grabbed the neck of his jacket.

“Don’t stop,” she whispered.

He looked into her eyes, needing to see her expression. She stared back at him, dead serious, and slowly, he lowered his mouth to hers again. Gently he kissed her, just for a few moments, until he couldn’t hold back any longer and kissed her harder. Her mouth opened to his, and he went down onto his elbows. Sabine worked her hands between them and pulled at the closures of his jacket. Annoyance flared in Ezra’s mind as he remembered they were in Imperial uniforms. He hated wearing those things. These undercover missions were always the worst, when they had to dress like Imperials. He didn’t even want to think about how the first time he and Sabine got a chance to be together again, they had to be dressed like the enemy.

But the thoughts dissolved from his mind as Sabine’s urgent hands caused him to lift up again, to give her the space she needed to open the jacket. Her Force sense was electric, want and desire buzzing through it. She slid the jacket down his arms and off to the ground, and his fingers went to the fasteners on hers, too. He didn’t feel any more confident this time than last time, and he didn’t expect he’d feel that way for a while, no matter how comfortable they got with each other in this capacity. Considering himself a lover was just something he hadn’t ever thought about much – at least, not the label, because he had certainly thought about Sabine this way, over and over – and it was weird to him to apply that label to himself. Jedi, warrior, Lothalian, crewmember, friend, fighter, rebel, Spectre Six, son, orphan, those all made sense. But _lover_ just seemed so strange, so alien to him. He wondered, as he always did, if Sabine felt the same way. At any rate, she had way more confidence than him – which she could have been faking given her bold personality. But he didn’t know.

Sabine sat up a little to allow him to push the jacket off her arms. Underneath both their jackets was an undershirt, and just like before, Sabine took his hand and placed it at her hem. Only a little more confident than before, Ezra pushed the shirt up until it was over her head. He discarded it on top of the jacket until it occurred to him that Sabine might like a softer surface than a rough cave floor. The thought made him flinch a little to himself. This wasn’t what he wanted to give her, or what she deserved, especially not from him, but it was all they had.

“Here,” he murmured as he pulled the jackets and undershirt over. Sabine adjusted as he stretched the garments out under her, and then she lay back again with a smile.

“Thanks,” she murmured back, and he could feel how much _more_ she wanted. Ezra nodded and leaned down to kiss her again. Her hands grabbed the bottom of his shirt, and he obliged as she pulled it up and off. It was then that he took a moment to look at her – _really_ look at her – and he admired the tone of her athletic body. Gentle curves of muscles sculpted her skin, and he leaned down and placed a kiss to her firm stomach. Her muscles jumped up to his lips, as if she were twitching with nerves or surprise – or maybe even pleasure. He sensed it through their bond, sensed her heightened awareness, and knew she sensed his as well. As he kissed her again, his hands slid up her sides, and his fingers slipped under the sides of her breastband. It was a simple one, obviously designed for combat, nothing pretty or nonsensical. Ezra didn’t expect anything less from her. He wanted to put his hands and mouth everywhere, all over her, touch every place he hadn’t yet touched, worship her body the way she deserved. But they didn’t have the time, and it wasn’t the place besides. Although when Sabine ran her hand down his chest and her fingers dipped into the waistband of his pants before she clenched them briefly, recalled herself, and removed them, it made his fortitude harder to maintain.

“Sabine,” Ezra whispered. “I want…”

“I know,” she replied. “I want, too.”

He wanted it, needed it, desired it, aching for that closeness with her. Through the Force he knew she felt the same, too, her racing heart beating in time with his. He cursed their situation, cursed that they couldn’t be together even on the _Ghost_.

Overcome with desire, Ezra pulled her up into a sitting position with him, pressing close to her. He wrapped one arm around her back, his other hand cupping her face and tilting it so he could kiss her again.

“We should stop,” Sabine said, though she made no move to. “We have to stop. If they find us…”

Finally, Ezra pulled away, reluctant. “I know,” he said. Sighing, he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead to hers. Her skin was warm beneath his. “Someday,” he said, “I want to take you away from all this and show you something pretty. Peaceful.”

“I know you do,” Sabine said. Her hands curled into the hair at the nape of his neck. “Maybe someday.”

Ezra nodded and made that promise to himself. It wouldn’t always be like this. Someday, it would be different.

“Dawn is in a few hours,” he said, getting back to the task at hand. “We should get what sleep we can and head back to the _Ghost_ in the morning.”

“Good idea.”

They readjusted, sharing the bit of softness from the clothes beneath them. He put his arm behind his head and stared up at the ceiling of the cave, thinking, his other arm wrapped around Sabine’s shoulders as she lay on his bare chest. She fell asleep immediately – it was an amazing skill she had that he coveted – but he couldn’t quite get there. It was moments like this that were hardest, sometimes. Moments in the silence, when there was nothing to do but think. He had irrational thoughts in times like these. A voice whispered at him to run away with Sabine, start a new life with her somewhere the war would never touch them, and the Alliance could never find them. It was ridiculous, of course, and it wasn’t what he truly wanted, but when the future weighed heavily on him, when he knew how short his and Sabine’s time together truly was, the thoughts intruded, and he started planning out the _what if?_ and let it take him down a path he knew was all but impossible. To be thrown together like this and still be forced away… It was too much, sometimes.

At least, though, the universe had conspired to give them _this_ moment, where they could be together for a few hours without fear of discovery. Sure, the Imperials were still out there, but they hadn’t found them yet. In all likelihood, they never would. The rebels just needed to wait it out until the morning.

And come it would, bringing with it the hope it always did.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra and Sabine return to the ship and learn about their next mission. But not before finding a way to get a little quiet time to themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raising the rating to M to be safe.

Ezra woke up with a groan. His shoulders hurt. His back hurt. His arms had cramped from holding Sabine in the same position for however long they’d slept. She was still there, sleeping on his chest, and he didn’t want to disturb her. Turning his wrist to glimpse his chrono, he saw it was a little after oh-seven-hundred. They’d only slept a few hours.

He became aware of a new pain, that of his lightsaber digging into his hip. He hadn’t even thought to take it off last night – would the day ever come when they could sleep unarmed? – and the way Sabine curled up against him pushed it even further against him. He slowly rolled a little to the other side and reached down, struggling to free it and not wake Sabine. It didn’t work. She woke with her own moan and rubbed her eyes with the heel of her palm.

“What time is it?” she grumbled. Her hair stuck up in all directions, adorably mussed in sleep.

“After seven,” Ezra answered. “We should check in.”

“You do that.” She yawned and blinked, and Ezra smiled. She was the toughest warrior he knew, but messing with her sleep was not something one did lightly. They lay together in the stillness, a bit of light peeking in around the boulder, the fire long burned out. It was only the second time they’d awoken together. The first had been on Yavin 4. Sure, they’d slept in Sabine’s bunk a couple times on the _Ghost_ , but not all the way till morning. They still wanted to conceal their relationship, and anyway, even if they were open about it, Hera and Kanan certainly wouldn’t want Ezra in Sabine’s bunk all night.

It was an odd phrase, _sleeping together_. In the literal sense, this was exactly the fifth time they’d shared sleeping accommodations. In the connotative, it still had only happened the once, and it didn’t feel like it applied to their relationship. All these labels made Ezra’s mind spin. It wasn’t important, really, to have a label on it, but he was so used to defining himself by them.

“You’re thinking again.”

Sabine’s voice brought Ezra out of his thoughts. He looked over to see her with her head on her fist, scrutinizing him. Her other hand lay gently on his bare chest.

“You get this look,” she explained. “You go someplace.”

His arm lay on the cave floor beside her, and he reached up to rub her back. It felt…natural. “I think I think too much,” he said.

“I think you do, too. Same stuff as last night?”

“Yeah.” Ezra looked away from her. He knew his priorities were supposed to be elsewhere.

Sabine nodded and then was silent for a moment. “Our situation isn’t going to change, you know.”

“I know.”

“Are you regretting what happened? That we changed things?”

Ezra shook his head. “No, of course not. I mean, not in that way. Not regret, but…” He trailed off, and his fingers clenched on her back for a moment before he released them. “It’s just made everything so much more difficult,” he murmured. “I was used to the way things were before, but now…” Sabine bent down and lightly kissed his lips.

“This isn’t going to get easier,” she said. “And having this conversation over and over isn’t going to help, either.”

“You’re right.” Resolutely shoving it out of his mind, Ezra sat up and stretched his sore muscles. Careful not to look at Sabine, he grabbed his undershirt and jacket and put them on, before he moved away so she could get dressed as well.

There were no signs of Imperial troops outside, so the pair trudged back to the ship a few kilometers away.

“Morning,” Ezra said as he walked into the common area. Chopper cackled, and Ezra frowned. “Shut up.”

“Rough night?” Zeb asked with a smirk, crossing his arms and leaning back in the couch behind the dejarik table.

“Uncomfortable night,” Ezra replied.

“Chopper says you two got stuck in a cave.”

“We did,” Sabine said, “and we’ve had about three hours’ sleep, so if you say anything stupid, I _will_ blast you. No hesitation this time.” She went into the galley to pour herself a cup of caf. Hera strode in, more awake than anyone, as always.

“Thought I heard you guys,” she said. “Doing all right?”

“About as well as could be expected,” Ezra said with a yawn. Sabine came back in and handed him a steaming mug. He didn’t usually like the stuff, but she knew him well enough to know that when he was exhausted, he would take what he could get. “Could use a few more hours of sleep.”

“You can sleep in hyperspace. Chop debriefed and told us you were successful. Well done.”

“Thanks.”

“We’re heading out,” Hera said. “Kanan can fill you in.”

With that, she headed back to the cockpit, and Kanan leaned forward over the table. Ezra put his free hand on his hip. “Please tell me this one is more relaxing.”

“I’m afraid not,” Kanan said. “We’re getting some Incom folks out.”

“Incom? As in the shipbuilders?”

Kanan nodded. “Yes. They have some prototypes they want to hand over to us. Starfighters. A few engineers want to defect, and they need our help.”

The _Ghost_ lifted off the ground, causing both Ezra and Sabine to nearly lose their footing. She crashed into him and spilled half her caf down the front of his Imperial jacket.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, while Ezra swiped at the liquid.

“I wish Hera wouldn’t do that,” Ezra said. “She needs to stop taking off when we’re not strapped in.”

“You go ahead and tell her that,” Kanan said. “Also, she did inform you she was taking off.”

“I’m going to go shower. I smell like corruption and caf.”

“Heh,” Zeb said. “You smell worse than that. It’s a wonder anyone can stand being around you.”

“Yes, well, you’d be surprised,” Ezra replied testily. “Fill me in later.”

He left the room, unfastening the jacket as he went. Grabbing a change of clothes out of his room and heading toward the refresher, he decided he would definitely take Hera’s advice and sleep while they were in hyperspace. Switching the water on and turning it over to hot, Ezra stripped off his clothes and stepped into the spray. Sighing with fatigue, he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the smooth wall. He didn’t make a habit of taking long showers given he shared with two other humans, a Twi'lek, and a Lasat, and the _Ghost_ was old and took awhile to sanitize and reclaim the water, but this morning, the streaming water felt better than usual. He placed his palms against the wall and tilted his face up into it.

Which was when he heard the door slide open and closed. Hadn’t he locked it? Great, it was probably Zeb in here to screw with him. Everyone knew that when you flushed the toilet, the shower couldn’t handle it and shot out a frigid burst of icy water. It had been one of Zeb’s favorite things to do when Ezra had first joined the crew at fourteen. Months had passed before Ezra figured it out, because Zeb had told him all manner of lies about the phenomenon, from faulty wiring that could (would) (most likely) electrocute him while he was in the shower, to the _Ghost_ being haunted by actual ghosts (“Where else do you think the name came from, kid?” Zeb would ask with a _completely_ straight face).

“Zeb, don’t you dare – ” Ezra started, but a quiet voice shushed him. Widening his eyes, he turned just in time to see Sabine step in with him. “Are you _serious_ – ”

“Shut up,” she hissed. “Unless you want them to catch us.”

Struck speechless, Ezra nodded and swallowed. There were a lot of things he had imagined, but this hadn't been one of them. He couldn’t believe how bold she’d been, literally sneaking into his shower with him.

“You’ve been complaining about how little time we get together,” she said. “Well, I made some time for you.”

“Uh, okay. Thanks. Yeah. I can’t complain about this.”

“Hope not.”

The shower stall was small, but Sabine still decreased the space between them and wrapped her arms around him as she pressed her face into his shoulder. He reciprocated, his cheek on her head, and ran his fingers through her wet hair, wondering if she’d ever open up to him about what this thing was that they had. To him, it was sweet and perfect and everything he wanted, but there were layers to it that he didn’t understand, that neither of them could really take the time to think about or dissect. He wasn’t an idiot; he knew there were steps they’d skipped, both physically and emotionally, and he longed for a stretch of time where they could go back over them and cover what they’d missed. But when he was at his most honest with himself, he knew that wasn’t going to happen. The end of his time with the crew was quickly approaching, and he didn’t see that there were going to be any opportunities for languid moments. True, he didn’t regret that things had gone so quickly to where they were now, but he just…he wanted more _time_.

Sabine was still holding him when he took her face in his hands and pressed his lips to hers. She shifted closer, backing him into the wall, and her skin was so slick and smooth under his hands. He kept them on her arms, her shoulders, her waist, not wanting to touch her any further without her permission (again, a step they’d mostly skipped). Sabine didn’t have any more experience with this than Ezra did, but she certainly had more courage. His skittishness would probably take some time to abate, but he felt like the moment they became comfortable with each other would be right before his path ended. He wondered, in this moment, if he _wanted_ to feel comfortable with her, or if he wanted to stay lost in this place where everything was so new and fresh and fragile.

“Are you afraid to touch me?” she asked with her face cradled into the crook of his neck.

He answered honestly, his voice rough. “Yes.”

“Don’t be. We’re not just friends anymore.”

Her words ignited something in him, something he only ever felt around her and had never felt with anyone else. His fingers slid up into her hair again, and he tilted her face to his. The warm water continued to stream down, making her lips even softer. His hands moved, almost of their own accord, and roved over her bare back, feeling the strong muscles and the power that lay beneath her skin. Through their bond, he felt her excitement mirror his, and they reflected off one another as he touched her.

After too short a time, Sabine pulled away. Ezra opened his eyes and looked at her, to find her smiling gently at him.

“I should go,” she said.

“Don’t go.” He didn’t mean to sound like he was pleading, but they just had so few moments of privacy together. “Just one more minute.”

“One more. But they’re going to wonder.”

“Right.” The fire inside him dwindled down, the moment gone as fast as it had started.

“I’ll wait till you leave, then get in again,” Sabine said.

Disappointed, Ezra turned away and grabbed the bottle of multipurpose wash the crew all shared (except Zeb, of course). The door to the stall open and shut. Forcing his mind to think about anything _but_ what had just happened, Ezra shut the water off and grabbed his towel. When he stepped out into the refresher, Sabine gave him a quick smile again and traded places with him. Her towel flipped up over the stall door. Ezra shook his head, unable to help his own smile, and reached for his clothes.

\---

“A little better,” Zeb commented when Ezra sat down next to him on the couch. Ezra wrinkled his nose and sniffed.

“I’m not sure about that,” he said. “Hera changed our soap.”

“I was tired of smelling generic,” Hera said as she entered the room. “Where’s Sabine?”

Ezra’s cheeks warmed, and he did his best to keep his face neutral. Pointing his thumb back in the direction of the ’fresher and making sure not to make eye contact with Hera, he said, “In the shower.”

Kanan looked at him and crossed his arms. Zeb smirked, but Ezra didn’t think it was in a way that suggested he knew anything. Kanan, however, was staring at him.

 _“Stalker,”_ Zeb teased.

“It’s a hard habit to break,” Ezra replied, choosing to play into it rather than defend himself and look more suspicious. “What can I say, I have a large repertoire of skills.”

Zeb laughed appreciatively. Kanan continued to stare.

 _“Anyway,”_ Hera said with a sharp glance at Ezra, “we’re going to have a few X-wings flying cover when we get to Fresia. The Incom people are going to be waiting for us on the roof of their building. It’s a grab-and-go, no time for questions, no room for mistakes.”

“Who’s going down?” Ezra asked.

“All of you. There are six of them, and we won’t have much time after the sensors pick us up. This’ll be a quick one.” Chopper burbled a question. “Not you, Chop. You’re staying here with me.”

At that moment, Sabine walked into the room. “What’d I miss?” she asked. Ezra glanced at her, and her eyes met his briefly. Her hair was still wet, sharply bringing the memory of their few minutes in the shower together to his mind. His cheeks burned again, the memory sending tingles throughout his whole body. Over the connection, he felt the same thing flow through her, and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. As he shuffled his feet on the floor and tried to find the most comfortable way for his hand to hold his chin, it was all, apparently, too much for Zeb.

“Why you so wiggly, kid?” the Lasat asked irritably.

“No reason,” Ezra replied quickly.

“Really, none?” Sabine said as she took a seat next to him on the couch.

She lay her arm casually over the back of it, but her fingers quickly brushed over his shoulder, just once, as she did. He couldn’t suppress the shiver that ran over him, and he fought to keep his gaze on Hera as she ran over the mission again.

“What are the chances we’ll run into troopers?” Sabine asked. “Do I need to blow anything up?”

“Not this time,” Hera said with a shake of her head. “Troopers, good chance. We don’t want to attract too much attention, though, so it’ll be stun blasts only, if Zeb isn’t able to incapacitate all of them.”

Zeb punched a fist into his palm. “Physical labor. My favorite.”

“We’ll be there tomorrow morning,” Hera concluded. “Consider yourselves at ease until then.”

“I’m always at ease,” Zeb said as Hera walked out, his arms behind his head and a smile on his face. “Anytime I know I’m going to be bashing bucketheads, I just relax.”

Ezra smiled as he unwrapped a ration bar. It was his favorite flavor, and it turned out Zeb had pilfered a pack of them last time they’d made a supply run. It was a kind gesture, and one that made all the good-natured teasing worth it.

 _So,_ Chopper beeped. _Anyone for a game of dejarik?_

“No,” Zeb said. “Cheater.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sabine and Ezra hit a snag, Kanan is suspicious, Hera won't spill, Zeb is understanding, and Chopper is salty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Laundry day courtesy of @aluckydenvermint. Also, there’s a Kanera moment! <3 Didn't realize it had been a month since I updated. I think this is a good chapter, though, so I hope the wait was worth it! <3

The day had started slow, but as Ezra got used to being around the crew again after a night away, his thoughts moved away from Sabine and he was able to enjoy the camaraderie again. Maybe it was going to be all right, he thought. Maybe he would start to get used to being with Sabine but not being _with_ her. He took a nap for a couple hours, much to Kanan’s crossed-arms annoyance. _“Jedi have meditations for these things. We don’t actually_ need _sleep.”_

After lunch, while the rest of the crew was attending to other duties around the ship, Ezra and Sabine sparred in the common room. It began fine and as normal as usual, until he felt a flicker of irritation from her that steadily grew into anger. Dodging a kick aimed at his shoulder, he looked up to see her glowering.

Baffled by what he was sensing, he asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Would you _fight me_?” Sabine snapped, and threw a punch toward his face that he easily swiped away with his wrist. “You’re not even trying.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You haven’t even tried to hit me once.” Again, a kick; again, he twisted away from it. “Everything you’re doing is defensive.”

“Jedi aren’t really supposed to be aggressive – ”

This time, her kick hit him squarely in the stomach, and he went down. Her sense vibrated with anger, and Ezra frowned up at her from the deck, confused. Fists clenched, she said,

“How can I rely on you when you’re afraid of hurting me now?”

Stung by the remark, Ezra pressed his arm over his sore stomach and stood. “I’m not afraid of hurting you,” he said, but the words rang hollow. They both knew it was a lie. Sabine stepped up to him and lowered her voice.

“You’ve never worried about me before.”

“I’ve always worried about you.”

She shook her head. “Not like this. I need to know I can rely on you.” Then quieter still, “I can’t lose you, Ezra.”

With that, Sabine turned on her heel and stormed out of the common area, leaving Ezra gaping after her. Through the Force, he felt rather than saw Kanan walk into the room behind him, and he adjusted his expression to neutral before he faced his master, arms crossed, trying his best to appear nonchalant.

“Women, huh?” he quipped, but it, too, rang hollow.

“Something going on?” Kanan asked. “You two have been acting strangely.”

Instead of outright denying it, Ezra looked away and shook his head. He couldn’t lie to Kanan. “She’s right,” he said. “I _am_ afraid of hurting her. Or her getting hurt because of me.”

“That doesn’t mean you should hold back.” Kanan crossed to the dejarik table and sat down. “Your skills always need to be in top condition. You spar so you can get better, not feel afraid.”

“I know.” Ezra pondered a moment, wondering how to broach this. “So how do you control it?”

“That’s the problem with attachments. They make you afraid. That’s why the Jedi were cautioned against forming them.”

“But how can anyone live like that?” Ezra asked as he took a seat next to his master. “Not caring about anyone? How is not caring about people the light side? Sith don’t care about people at all, only themselves. How is that different?”

A small smile turned up Kanan’s lips. “It’s not as simple as the Jedi of old would have us think. Even Master Kenobi allowed himself to care, and he's one of the greatest Jedi who ever lived.”

Ezra put his head in his hands, elbows on the table. “I don’t think I’m ever going to get this,” he muttered.

“Maybe we’re not supposed to. Maybe you’re trying too hard.”

“Well. That about sums up my entire relationship with Sabine.”

Kanan chuckled. “She’s a tough one, and you know that. But she has her soft spots, and you’re one of them.”

Hearing that from Kanan made something jolt outward in Ezra’s chest. “Never really thought of it that way.”

“She’s always been fond of you, in her way. You’re good for each other. Our whole crew is.”

Ezra smiled, feeling lighter about the situation. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“I usually am. Just not with Hera.” Kanan patted him on the back. “Now, why don’t we go down to the hold, and get our own sparring in for the day?”

* * *

Kanan stepped into the cockpit behind Hera and waited for the door to close again. “Have you noticed anything different about Ezra?” he asked.

He didn’t need to see to be able to tell what she was doing. He could tell from her Force sense. Undoubtedly she had her eyes on a screen on the control board, studying read-outs. “What do you mean?” she asked.

Kanan sat down in the co-pilot’s seat. “He’s distracted. Not focusing. I’m worried about him.”

“I don’t think you need to be,” Hera assured him. “There’s nothing wrong.”

“How do you know?”

Hera shrugged. “I just know.”

Kanan shook his head. It didn’t feel right. Ezra’s Force sense was just… _jumbled_ these days. And he was more closed off to Kanan than usual – which was saying a lot. “I don’t know, Hera. There’s something going on.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing.”

The Jedi thought back, reviewing the past few days in his mind. “He and Sabine have just been…odd. Sabine not as much, but when he’s around her, his sense is very tightly controlled, and he doesn’t act like himself.” He paused again, thinking. “You don’t think…”

Hera was _way_ too would-be casual when she answered, “I don’t think what?”

Kanan frowned. “Is there something going on that I need to know about?”

Hera’s sigh made his suspicion grow stronger. “Look, I promised Ezra I wouldn’t say anything.”

“Say anything about _what_?”

“Kanan…”

_“Hera.”_

But, true to her word, Hera _didn’t_ say anything.

“I see,” Kanan said. “Why don’t they want anyone to know?”

“They don’t want to get teased by Zeb and Chopper,” Hera answered. “Can you blame them?”

Kanan shook his head. “No, I can’t. How long have you known? How long has this been going on? Can’t have been that long.”

“Since Yavin a week ago.”

“What changed? For all I knew, Ezra had gotten over his crush, and Sabine…” He sighed. “I guess you never really know what’s going on in the minds of teenagers.”

The warmth of Hera’s smile washed through over the Force. “You were that age, too, once, love.”

“I was. And I know what can happen when you’re young.” The reality of his own words hit him, and he looked over at Hera sharply. “Wait. How far has this gotten?”

The pilot’s seat groaned as she stood, and the air changed as she came closer to him. She sat on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Relax, Kanan. They’re fine.”

“Oh, gods,” Kanan groaned, resting his hands on her waist. “Do they need…a talk or…other things…?”

Hera only chuckled. “Trust me, Kanan, the last people they’re going to want to talk to about this is us. Just pretend you don’t know.”

“How can I pretend I don’t _know_?!” Kanan sputtered. Then he shook his head again. “You’re right. The less I know about what’s going on on this ship, the better.”

* * *

Sabine showed up again an hour later, knocking on the wall next to Ezra’s open door. He looked up from his blaster, which he was trying unsuccessfully to disassemble for cleaning.

“Laundry day,” she said. “Chopper wants everything down there in ten minutes, or he’s striking. Again.”

“Got it.” Ezra looked down at the blaster, yanked again on the jammed component, and gave up with a sigh. Then he stood from Zeb’s bunk – already stripped of sheets and bedspread – and reached up to his own.

“What’s wrong with your blaster?” Sabine asked as she came further into the room.

“Jammed,” Ezra replied, climbing up the ladder and yanking at the corner of the fitted sheet near the wall. Sabine reached for the blaster. “I landed on it wrong after the outpost, and it won’t come apart. It’s overdue for a cleaning. I dunno, maybe that’s why – ”

Sabine smacked the weapon hard with the flat of her hand, then pulled the pieces apart. Ezra sighed again.

“It’s a wonder anyone here keeps me around,” he said. He bunched his sheets, bedspread, and pillowcase up and started to climb down. Sabine didn’t speak for a moment, until he was back on the floor.

“Something bothering you?” she asked, a note of caution in her voice. Over their bond, he felt her unsurety, as well as some confusion. She genuinely _didn’t_ know that their conversation from earlier had upset him.

“No, it’s…” But that wasn’t true. Meeting her eyes, he said, “I don’t want you to think you can’t depend on me. The last year, you and I have been partners and worked really well together. I don’t want…for things to change like this, for you to not think – ”

She stepped closer to him, cutting him off. Her body was close enough that the backs of his hands, holding the linens, brushed her stomach.

“I _do_ depend on you,” she said quietly. “More than anyone else here. Or anyone else I even know. I just don’t want _you_ to think I’m some fragile thing that can break. I don’t want you treating me any different.”

“But it _is_ different.” For a moment, he just studied her the way she studied him. Her lips pursed.

“I don’t know how to do different,” she said.

“Neither do I. But we’ve come this far…might as well try to figure it out? Together?”

Sabine nodded. “Right, right. Yeah.”

When the silence stretched on a little too long, Ezra hefted the bundle in his arms and said, “Well, I’d better get these to Chopper, or I’m not getting fresh sheets for another couple weeks. See you around.” He started to walk past Sabine to leave the cabin.

“Ezra.”

He turned back to her, and she took his face in her hands and pulled it to hers for a long kiss. He blinked at her when it ended, still feeling like they might never figure things out.

“I’ll see you tonight?” she murmured. He nodded, a little dazed, and walked out.

“Sorry, kid,” Zeb said with a smirk when Ezra crossed through the common room. “Chopper’s already started the load. Guess you’re sleeping on the same sheets for another two weeks.”

Ezra narrowed his eyes. “He has not. He would be grumbling a lot louder if he had.”

Zeb chuckled good-naturedly for just a moment, but after Ezra had passed him on his way out, he said, “The other night. Before the outpost. You all right?”

Ezra stopped in his tracks, heart thudding. Zeb wasn’t new to his nightmares, but he still harbored hope that the Lasat didn’t hear them every time he had one. They were frequent enough. He turned back to Zeb.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Ezra said as the memories of it came back to him. It was the usual stuff: watching his friends and family die and being unable to help them. Losing people. Being lost. Left behind. Unwanted. _Abandoned._ “Just…same as always. The nightmare.”

Zeb nodded. “I do, too, sometimes. Dream things. But no one’s going to leave you here, kid. We like the idea of being affiliated with a Jedi. Makes us seem more important than we really are. We need you for that. You up our street cred.”

Ezra smiled. “Thanks, Zeb.”

Predictably, Chopper was furious at Ezra for getting his laundry to him late. “Calm down,” Ezra said. “Sabine didn’t tell me until a few minutes ago. Did Zeb bring our hamper down already?” Chopper snarled, and Ezra grimaced. “Ugh. Really? He picked through my clothes and just brought his own?” Then he thought about it. “Well, I guess that’s worse for him than it is for me. Tell him hands off my clothes next time!”

Chopper’s pincers snapped wildly at him, growling for Ezra to “handle his own shavit.” Ezra jumped back out of the way of the claws.

“Someone’s in a bad mood. Goodbye, Chopper.”

When he got back to the common room, the whole crew was there, sitting around the table enjoying a retelling of one of their early adventures with Zeb. As usual, he had embellished, and was now up to fighting off twenty stormtroopers single-handed. Ezra just watched them for a moment, unnoticed, and smiled to himself. It was hard, in moments like this, to think of being abandoned like he always feared, and he hoped that someday, that fear would go away entirely. Sabine looked up and caught sight of him, and when she smiled softly at him, he felt like he had no fear at all.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra and Sabine finally get a long stretch of alone time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I agonized over the bigger part of this chapter for at least a month. Hope it suffices. As far as my works go, this is a pretty big chapter for me. Hope you enjoy!

Before dinner, Hera sent Ezra down to the engine room to run diagnostics with Chopper. No amount of groaning or bargaining could get him out of it, so he reluctantly trudged down there with the droid. Plugging Chopper into the _Ghost_ ’s mainframe, he crossed his arms and waited.

After ten minutes, with Chopper grumbling about the ship under his breath, soft footsteps approached them. Ezra looked away from the computers to see Sabine enter the room. She’d changed into more casual clothing, a loose top and pants, that she wore only when she felt one hundred percent safe. Technically, _Interdictor_ -class Star Destroyers could still yank them out of hyperspace and into a surprise lightfight, but Hera didn’t expect to find any Imperials along their path. So the crew could feel as safe as they ever did.

“Having fun?” Sabine asked with a glance at Chopper.

“Oh, yeah, absolutely,” Ezra said, uncrossing his arms and resting one hand on Chopper’s dome. It whirled around until the droid’s photoreceptor pointed at him, a kind of _And what exactly do you think you are doing, sir?_ Ezra patted the droid. “Just bonding with Chopper here. My favorite.”

The computer beeped, and Chopper withdrew his jack. For a moment he was quiet, crunching the numbers.

“You’d think he’d be happy,” Sabine deadpanned. “Getting to put his jack into a computer.”

Ezra raised his eyebrows, shocked by the joke. “Do droids…?”

“Anyway,” Sabine said, “Chop, dump the report to my personal datapad.” She held it up. “We’ll go through the diagnostics. You take some time off.” Crouching down next to him, she caressed his dome in a way that made him practically purr. As he tootled off, Ezra said,

“You may be the only one he _doesn’t_ hate, besides Hera.”

Sabine shrugged. “Maybe he just hates men. I can’t blame him. Men are ridiculous.”

“Present company excluded, I’m sure.”

“No, you’re definitely ridiculous.”

Her datapad beeped, indicating receipt of the report. Sabine draped her arms over Ezra’s shoulders, and his hands instinctively went to her waist.

“So,” she said. “I’m getting very good at finding ways to get you alone.”

“That you are,” he conceded. “Is it a competition? I didn’t realize.”

“ _Everything_ is a competition with me. You should know that by now.”

“Oh, I do. Just was checking to be sure.”

A little laugh escaped her as she smiled, and she tilted her head. Ezra took the invitation and kissed her. He didn’t think there would ever be a day, or a moment, where he would _not_ take that invitation.

“This won’t last long,” he said. “Hera is going to figure out what we’re up to.”

“Nothing indecent,” Sabine said, then lowered her voice further. “At least not till tonight.”

The thought made his face flush. “You know, it’s really very difficult to sneak out of my cabin,” Ezra said. “Zeb has incredible hearing – ”

“All right,” she interrupted with a shrug. “Don’t come, then. Spend your night with Zeb. He seems _very_ cuddly.”

“Maybe I don’t _need_ cuddling.” Ezra’s fingers had tightened on her waist, and they were standing so close together, completely in each other’s space, his head full of her presence.

“Ezra, you would cuddle everything in the galaxy if you had the time,” Sabine said. “Don’t lie and pretend you don’t want to cuddle.”

“Not with Zeb.”

“I bet Chopper’s cuddly.”

“Chopper is _not_ cuddly.”

“I could get you a puffer pig if you got lonely.”

“That’s a sweet present, but no.”

Sabine chuckled and nuzzled into him. Any minute, they would be discovered, and they would have to let each other go.

“Kiss me,” she whispered, and he didn’t hesitate, crushing his mouth to hers and wrapping his arms completely around her. Time stretched on, with no interruptions, no intrusions. He slipped his hands under her shirt and up, moving them slowly against her skin so he could take the time to really feel her, really touch her. She let him caress her, adjusting so he could put his hands where he wanted.

“This okay?” he murmured. Sabine nodded.

It was so quiet down in the engine room, just the hum of machinery and the engine itself. Ezra knew that time was ticking, though, and any minute they’d have to stop so as not to arouse suspicion. Finally, when he sensed they’d been gone long enough, he took her face in his hands and kissed her one last time.

“You’d better get back,” he said. “I’ll finish up down here.”

“All right.” At his waist Sabine had her fingers between his belt and the fabric of his pants, index fingers hooked over the leather, and he immediately missed her hands when she pulled them away. “Later.”

With that, she gave him a kiss on his nose, and it was so surprisingly tender and unexpected that it made him smile and look at her in such a way that she rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she muttered, turning away to leave the room.

But, when he reviewed the image of her in his mind after she’d gone, he thought maybe she looked just a tiny bit pleased.

* * *

As the crew started drifting off to their cabins for the night, Sabine’s eyes met Ezra’s. He knew what that look meant:

  1. _Meet me._



It was an hour away. Somehow, he was supposed to lie in his bunk by himself for an hour, waiting for that time. Meditating didn’t feel like the right thing to do. So instead, he stared up at the ceiling, hands linked behind his head, and thought about the Incom mission while he listened to Zeb’s gentle breathing. Every few minutes he brought his wrist to his face to check his chrono, only to sigh and put his hand behind his head again. Funny, how the entire day had gone by in a flash, but now, time moved painfully slow. He was tired – fatigued, really – after the night before with the outpost, and he’d only grabbed a couple hours of extra sleep in the late morning. But he feared that if he closed his eyes, he might miss this rare opportunity to be with Sabine alone.

Finally, his chrono read five minutes till. He could wait no longer. He slipped quietly out of his bunk and tiptoed out of the room. Zeb didn’t even stir.

The ship was silent, lights down low for nighttime, but Ezra still took care not to make any noise. When he got to Sabine’s cabin, he took a breath and gently tapped on the door. She didn’t answer right away, and as he waited, he blew out his breath and instinctively pulled at the loose sleep shirt he wore. He shook his head at himself; never before had he felt the need to make himself look good for her. (Well. Any more than he already tried.) Their night on Yavin 4 flashed through his mind.

Sabine answered after only a few moments. She ushered him in right away and shut the door behind him.

“You’re early,” she said.

“I couldn’t wait.” Ezra gathered her into his arms and breathed her in. Leaning back only as far as he had to, he kissed her, slowly, savoring it. Sabine’s hands dropped from his shoulders and slid under his shirt, along his bare skin. His muscles jumped at her touch, and a shiver raced over him.

“You’re shaking,” she said.

It embarrassed him that he was, but the room just felt so charged, everywhere she touched him already oversensitive. Being so tuned into the Force made intimacy so intense that part of him wished he could shut it down, so he could get a grip on himself.

“It’s just…this…” he admitted. “All of this…you… I don’t want to let you down or disappoint you.”

Sabine linked her hands behind his neck. “You could never do either.” Ezra smiled and reached up to rub her arm. “You know,” she said, a quiet note of musing in her voice, “I still remember when you were just a scrawny kid. A loth-rat with a crush. How you’ve changed.”

“Yeah, now I regularly push boulders into place with my bare hands,” Ezra replied with a grin.

Sabine rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t say _regularly_ …” Then she turned them around and shoved him up against the wall. “Magic powers or not,” she said, “I could still take you any day.”

Ezra’s eyes widened. She had a good grip on his shirt and had him pinned against the wall. “I’m not arguing,” he said. “I know you can.”

Sabine laughed quietly into the side of his neck. Then she kissed it, working her way back to his lips and making him shiver again. “So,” she murmured. “What do you want to do?”

Ezra was so shocked by the question that all he could reply with was, “Uhh…” There was no way she didn’t know _exactly_ what he wanted to do.

She laughed again, the way she always did when she teased him. Soon, she was pressing him harder against the wall, and then –

“I need you,” she breathed, and it was almost as if she didn’t mean to say the words out loud. It electrified him, that anyone could _need_ him in this way. He pulled back a little to look at her, into open, sincere eyes. Her cheeks had a hint of pink blush on them, probably embarrassment that she’d admitted something so private and emotional. He’d known where this would head – had gone to her cabin expecting exactly that – but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel nervous, especially when he felt her nervousness, too, over their bond.

“I’m here,” he said. His hand drifted down to the bottom of her sleep shirt as he kissed her again. He tried to be soft, but it was difficult to hold back.

“We can’t do this, you know,” Sabine whispered, her lips still so close to his. “It’s not a good idea with everyone around.”

“No, I know,” Ezra agreed, but he still felt a wave of disappointment.

“I want to.” She put her arms around his neck again to pull him closer. “Do you? Do you want to try it again?”

“Very much. But you’re right, we – ”

With that Sabine turned him away from the wall and moved him backward toward the bunk, arms tight around his neck and lips on his. Ezra went down easily, pulling her along with him, and tugged her top up and over her head. His fingers grazed her skin, but he didn’t have more than a second to process it before Sabine was moving on to his shirt to discard it. As her hands ran up his sides, he felt something change in him, something that allowed him to finally start to _let go_ and be completely in the moment, without worry or fear or anxiety about how she felt or what he felt or performance. Her urgency heightened his, until, unable to handle the anticipation and the wait any longer, Ezra turned her over onto her back and kissed her, wondering dimly in the back of his mind what had happened to his Jedi control. Sabine said she needed him; well, he felt the exact same way. He needed to feel her body against his, her skin on his, and that emotional connection that was so uniquely theirs.

He didn’t sense pain this time, only relief. It was the same relief he himself felt at finally being able to be intimate with her after what he knew was, realistically, not that long of a time, but had felt like ages with all the obstacles in their way.

“You okay?” he asked quietly, brushing his fingers across her temple. “I don’t have to keep going. If you don’t like…if you – ”

But Sabine’s response was to cut him off with a kiss so intense he could barely breathe. Ezra whispered her name over and over, unable to help himself. He allowed himself to touch her, to feel all of her, outside and in. Her thoughts and feelings reflected his over their bond, flowing back and forth to one another. This time, with the connection established from the very beginning, Ezra was able to sense her reaction to each thing he did, each move he made, feeling whether it worked or not. He was so acutely tuned into her, focusing more on her than himself, that he immediately picked up on the change in her breathing the second it happened. Her breaths turned shallower, and her hands tightened on his upper arms, nails digging into his skin. And it stopped his own breath in his chest to see her like that, so completely open and vulnerable to him. Her feelings, and what she was feeling, almost overloaded his sense of her in his mind. What he felt from her was like trying to desperately cling to a rock in a vortex, and his control began to falter. Ever since Yavin 4, he’d been wound so tight, and even in the cave and the shower, he’d been holding on, holding back, and refusing to give in. Now, though, as he closed his eyes and touched his forehead to her cheek, he felt himself completely let go, her pull on him too strong.

“You’re perfect,” she whispered in his ear, and he didn’t agree with her, really, but it was the softest thing she’d ever said to him, and he filed it away to the place in his mind where he stored his most treasured memories, to come back to over and over again.

Ezra’s hand slid under Sabine’s back and he tugged, pulling her onto her side with him. This wasn’t really how he’d expected all of this to go, with him in control and taking the lead, and her following him. She was a far more dominant person than he – typical of both their respective backgrounds. But she did let him lead, let him clench his fingers on her back and in her hair.

Until she didn’t anymore.

Without warning, Sabine pulled him up with her and put her hands on his shoulders. She held onto them, and it was intoxicating to him, how she trusted him with all of this. How _much_ she trusted him. Her hands moved from his shoulders to cup his jaw. Then she said what he hadn’t expected to hear for a long time. Her lips were on his, and she only spared one breath to say it:

“I love you.”

Ezra tore his lips from hers and stared at her, mouth slightly open in surprise. It broke him completely, to hear those words from her, and the look on her face when he looked into her eyes after she said it was something he knew he’d remember the rest of his life.

“Sabine…” he whispered. But she just gave him a small smile and kissed him again. Ezra pressed her back down to the bed again, breathing quick and deep through his nose as he had no desire to take his lips from hers. His right hand shot out to meet hers, intertwining their fingers, while his left gripped the sheet above her head. Sabine’s bright presence in the Force blotted out every other thing in his perception, and it was so brilliant that he couldn’t sense anything else. This, he thought with amusement, might be the real reason Jedi weren’t supposed to have romantic relationships: intimacy was too overwhelming. He had little room in his head for other thoughts, but after that one came a brief flash of concern that the others might somehow be aware of what was going on right now. They weren’t exactly…being completely silent like they had meant to be.

Finally, when he could no longer keep his lips on hers, he ducked his head to her shoulder, his eyes squeezed shut. Her free hand, the one not holding the one he was clenching, reached up to run over his shoulder and down his arm. At the foot of the bunk, the sheet and bedspread lay in a twisted heap. Breathing hard, in time with her, he opened his eyes. Then, pressing a quick kiss to her jaw, he relinquished his grip on her hand and the sheet.

“You’ve got a good grip there,” she said.

He blushed immediately and swiped at the sweat on his brow. “I’m sorry. I hate losing control.”

Sabine smiled. “It’s okay. Only teasing you. I think you’re supposed to lose control for this. You all right?”

Outwardly, he laughed, but inside, he was struggling to calm the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings in his mind. “It’s not like there are Jedi meditations for sex.”

Sabine turned them onto their sides, tangling her legs with his. “I mean it,” she said, cupping his cheek before brushing her knuckles back over his scars. “I love you.”

Hearing it again was more than he could handle right then, after the intensity of what had just happened.

“I love you, too,” he said in awe, barely able to breathe as he looked into her eyes and heard those words again. “I love you so much. I…I don’t feel worthy of you.”

“You’re a Jedi and a good person, Ezra,” Sabine said. “You’re worthy of anyone.”

Ezra looked down. He didn’t always feel that way. He felt like the kind of person people left. So many in his life had abandoned him, and while he knew his _Ghost_ family never would, the fear still lurked there sometimes, deep down.

“If something ever happens to me…” he asked, and paused a moment. “Will you wait for me?”

Sabine gave him that gentle smile he only saw from her in private. “Of course.”

Ezra nodded, hoping she wouldn’t ask anything further about it. She didn’t. Instead, she propped her head up on her hand.

“So,” she said, a note of curiosity in her voice, “what’s it feel like for you? With the Force?”

Ezra huffed out a short breath and smiled. “Well, I can feel everything you’re feeling. Plus what I’m feeling, too. So…pretty good.” He left out the details. She probably didn’t want to know them.

“Is that normal?”

“I don’t know. Jedi aren’t supposed to get involved with anyone, so I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in the texts about it. But, given that Jedi can sense others’ emotions and feelings, I guess it’s not too much to extrapolate that that would apply to physical stuff, too.”

“And the bond that opened between us?” Sabine asked. “What do you think about that?”

Ezra took her hand, twining their fingers and adjusting his hand until they slotted together just right. “I don’t think _that_ is normal,” he answered quietly. “And I don’t know why it happened. Technically, you shouldn’t be able to sense anything about me since you’re not Force-sensitive. But we’ve known each other so long, and we work together really well and know things about each other intuitively…” He shrugged. “I guess that could have touched some part of the Force I’m unaware of.”

“We touched something,” she commented dryly, making him smile again. He sighed and pillowed his head on her chest. Sabine wrapped her free arm around him, cradling him, and her fingers played with his hair. “Have you ever looked ahead?” she asked. “Far ahead.”

Ezra’s eyes closed on their own, drowsiness stealing deep and tempting over him. “Mm. Not really. I try to avoid that stuff. I don’t really want to know. I mean, I get feelings about things…” He paused, not wanting to think about the near future. “But I don’t go looking for it.”

“So…us…”

His eyes flew open. She wasn’t asking…she didn’t sense…? He approached the question delicately, not wanting to give away his feeling that they would be separated.

“I never saw us together, if that’s what you mean. But,” he hurriedly added, “I wasn’t looking for it. I knew I wouldn’t see it.”

Sabine’s hand stilled in his hair. “Why not?”

Ezra smiled and turned his head to press his forehead against her chest. “Because I knew my emotions would cloud my judgment. I _wanted_ it, so of course I would _see_ it.”

Sabine chuckled. “Well, that’s the answer to my question, then.”

It might not have truly been, but Ezra didn’t think he could handle telling her the truth. And anyway, it was just a feeling. Maybe it wouldn’t actually come true.

Not that he believed that for a second.

They readjusted, with her moving onto his chest and him wrapping his arms around her.

“A few nights ago, you did say something, though,” Sabine recalled. “You said you saw our future.” She shifted, and he looked down, into her eyes, squinted with thought. “What did you see?”

Ezra blinked in surprise. He’d never expected her to ask that. “I saw…” His heart began to beat faster. How was he supposed to tell her this? He didn’t want to scare her off. The future was always in motion, Kanan said, so even though he’d seen it, that didn’t mean it would truly come to pass. Or that he’d interpreted it correctly. It could’ve been someone else’s home, someone else’s kid, for all he knew. _Visions are difficult,_ Kanan had said. _Almost impossible to interpret._ Wetting dry lips, Ezra continued, “Us together. On Lothal.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Yeah. It was.”

But she knew him too well. Knew he was holding back. “Anything else?” she asked mildly.

“Loth-cats, a house – ”

“I’m not asking how many cats we’re going to have.”

Ezra stopped short. He was holding her way too tensely in his arms. “I saw a family,” he admitted.

“Family,” she repeated, looking up at him again. He stared back, letting her scrutinize him. Knowing she somehow already knew that was what he was going to say.

“Yeah,” he replied. “And I’ve got a job as a psychic – ”

She cut him off right away. “Very funny.”

“I thought so.”

Sabine was not humoring him this time. “You want kids?”

 _That_ just made him feel uncomfortable, and totally out of his element. It also struck panic into his heart. He was only eighteen; he was _way_ too young to be thinking about these things. “Not something I’ve ever thought about,” he answered.

“Me, neither.”

Ezra shrugged. “It’s just a vision. Doesn’t mean it has to come true. The future always changes, depending on our actions and choices we – ”

“How far away is this?” She arched a brow. “Do I need to get another shot or something?”

Ezra’s eyes went wide. “What?! Shavit, are you – ”

“No, no, no.” She waved him off. “Come on. Can you see Kanan and Hera’s faces if you got me pregnant in the middle of the fight against the Empire?”

“Ugh.” He tilted his head back on the pillow.

“So? How long do I have before I have to tell my mom she’s going to have a mixed Jedi-Mandalorian grandchild?”

“Ha. Quite a while. Nothing to worry about. Or talk about. Anymore. Yeah. I’m good.” He stifled a yawn. “We should get some sleep. I’ll have to go soon enough.”

“Right.”

Ezra closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He focused on the moment and everything about it, etching it into his memory. The smell of her pillow, the feel of the recirculated air in the cabin, her damp skin against his. Because that day would come, when they would be separated, and he didn’t know for how long, but he wanted to be sure he had the memory of her in his mind for however long it took to get back to her.

That, at least, was a part of the future he knew he could count on with absolute certainty.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares and a mission that goes wrong.

Sabine had a mini holoprojector she’d been tinkering with, and she got it out, fiddled with it, and switched it on. The night sky they’d been looking at before infiltrating the outpost flashed up on the ceiling. Putting the projector on the ground, she turned onto her back, head on Ezra’s shoulder.

“Tell me what you see,” she said.

Even though Ezra was tired, there was no way he would pass up the opportunity to spend more of his waking hours with her. So, he obliged and drew a triangle in the air, tracing the constellation. “The Well,” he said. “The Princess and the Archer met there in secret to carry out their affair.”

“Salacious.” Sabine rolled onto her side, into him. “You smell good.”

“I showered.”

Sabine growled. “That is such a guy response.”

“I’m sorry,” Ezra said, stroking her hair. “I’m just so excited to have confirmation that you know what I smell like.” She chuckled, clearly remembering that moment from their early days together.

“I forgive you. But next time, it’s a punch.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

She yawned and closed her eyes, her head now on his chest. Her knee pushed between his, further pressing them together as she apparently decided to use all of him as a pillow. “Tell me something else.”

“The Well has magic water. It’s enchanted so that as soon as the Princess drank it, she didn’t think the Archer had any bad lines or poor attempts at flirting and instantly fell madly in love with him.”

Sabine yawned again. “You’re full of it.”

“I know. But he did have some pretty good lines.”

“Mm.” She sounded as tired as he felt. “Night, Ezra.”

“Goodnight, Sabine.” He, too, closed his eyes, and he rested his cheek on her soft hair as his fingers continued to play with it. This, he thought, would never get old.

Never.

* * *

 _It was his parents again. Reaching their hands out to him for help, but he couldn’t help them. The Grand Inquisitor. Darth Vader. Ahsoka dying. The_ Ghost _blowing up while he was somewhere else, helpless, watching as his family exploded with it and they cried out for him. Being left somewhere, alone. His lightsaber breaking in a shower of sparks, and finding out there truly was nothing special about him after all._

_His family turning their backs on him._

He couldn’t wake up. He kept trying, but he _couldn’t wake up._

Thrawn cut his bound and kneeling family down with his own blaster and a squad of stormtroopers, and Ezra woke with a gasp. Sabine startled awake next to him, sitting up with him and putting her hand on his shoulder as his chest heaved. A cold sweat covered his body, freezing him in the cool air.

“What is it?” she asked calmly. “Are you okay?”

Ezra swallowed and nodded, looking down at his shaking hands and running a quick Jedi meditation over in his mind to calm himself and his breathing. It was what he did every time he had one of these awful nightmares.

“I’m all right,” he said. “Just…nightmares.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

This time, Ezra shook his head. “No. Not really.” Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, he lay back down. Sabine lay close to him, her arm across his chest and hand holding onto his other shoulder. He stared at the underside of the bunk above while he ran his fingers mindlessly up and down her forearm.

“You’re safe, you know,” Sabine said as she tightened her arm on him. “With us. You never have to be afraid.”

He let out another breath and nodded. He knew that. But no amount of knowledge could ever stop the nightmares. They came from a place deep inside him, and he didn’t see them ever going away.

Sabine reached up to his face and turned it toward her. “Let’s get your mind off it,” she said, and when she kissed him, his mind did disconnect from constantly replaying the nightmare over and over. He desperately needed the distraction, and he wondered how he’d gotten through all the other nightmares before, alone, not wanting to wake Zeb and tell him, not wanting to ask for comfort from anyone even though they would have gladly given it. Her touch soothed him, forced his mind away from the darkness. Yes, he should probably talk about the nightmares more. Everyone knew, but Ezra didn’t choose to go into them with anyone except Kanan, and even then, only rarely anymore. He wanted Kanan to think he had things under control. Kanan knew still, of course, but the illusion made Ezra feel better.

Sabine would never push it. He’d talk to her one day when he was ready, when he could truly talk about these things without feeling panic and fear. For now, he simply kissed her until he could no longer think or overthink or overanalyze, until they were both too tired to keep their eyes open any longer. Then he tucked himself into Sabine’s side, and the last thing he realized before succumbing to sleep was that his hand lay over her abdomen, fingers splayed.

Sabine took his hand and intertwined their fingers, and he fell deep asleep.

* * *

As usual, Ezra left Sabine’s cabin in the early hours of the morning to return to his. He didn’t know what time they’d gotten to sleep the first time, or what hour it had been when he’d had the nightmare. Now he was awake again. He was going to be pretty tired once he got up for good. Neither of them had gotten all that much sleep, truth be told.

The door to his room misfired and slammed shut before bouncing back open again. Zeb woke with a snort.

“Wassat?” he mumbled, blinking his eyes open. Then he narrowed them. “Kid? Whut you doin’ up?”

“Nothing,” Ezra said. “Go back to sleep.”

Zeb groaned and turned over in his bed. “You make a lot of noise for such a scrawny human.”

“Thank you. I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Wasn’t meant as one.”

Ezra climbed up to his bunk, picked up a data disk lying near the wall, and pelted it under his bunk and into Zeb’s.

“Ow! Bugger.”

“The Force works in mysterious ways.” Ezra pulled his sheet and bedspread over him. “Night, Zeb.”

“Jus’ go to sleep,” Zeb mumbled. “Dunno what you’d be doing in the middle of the night anyway.”

Ezra looked up at the ceiling where Sabine’s artwork was of him and Zeb, and he smiled at the memory of her last kiss. “Having a lot more fun than you.”

“Doubt it. Was dreaming about stormtroopers…”

With that, Zeb was out, and Ezra closed his eyes, too, and drifted off.

* * *

“What’s up with you this morning?” Kanan asked Ezra as he yawned over a cup of caf.

“Hm? Oh, nothing.” Ezra took a sip, then made a face. “Who made this? It’s awful.”

“Sabine did. Seems she made it extra strong.” Kanan stared disconcertingly, and Ezra returned the stare coolly, doing his best to project innocence.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said. “I haven’t done anything.”

“Mm.”

“Who made the caf?” Hera asked as she walked in. “It’s terrible.”

“Sabine,” Kanan answered. “Seems the children here are a little _tired_ this morning.”

Ezra narrowed his eyes. “You know, I’m legal on – ”

“I hear you guys have been insulting my caf?!” Sabine burst out, cutting Ezra off as she stormed into the common area. “You people have a problem with it, you can make it yourselves.” She looked about ready to start breaking limbs. A byproduct, Ezra knew, of her lack of sleep. He’d been the recipient of that ire multiple times in the last three and a half years, and usually it scared him, but this time, he found it amusing given that _he_ was the cause of her tiredness.

After glaring at everyone, Sabine stalked off back to the galley. Kanan jutted his thumb toward her.

“You know anything about that?” he asked Ezra.

“Like she talks to me about her moods?” Ezra replied.

“Kids,” Kanan muttered.

“Agreed.”

Hera glanced around for a moment. “Anyway…” she said. “We’re coming up on Fresia here in a few hours. Let’s take this time to go over the mission again and get ready. Hopefully this’ll be a quick one.”

\---

Hera communicated with the Alliance agent on the ground when they exited hyperspace at Fresia. The agent had infiltrated Incom Corporation six months ago and done the majority of the legwork to get the six engineers out. Now all the Spectres had to do was swoop in and grab them.

A rainstorm was in full swing when the _Phantom II_ closed in on headquarters. Droplets pattered rhythmically against the hull, and in the distance, lightning flashed down. They could hear the following thunder inside the ship.

 _“Perfect,”_ Sabine snarled. “A wet mission. This day is not going my way.”

“And every day should,” Ezra said. She glared at him.

“Quiet down,” Kanan said, his hand on the back of Sabine’s chair. “Nice and easy. We’ll be out of here before you know it.”

“It is going to be cramped in here once we get those six people aboard,” Zeb commented. “And all of us are going to be wet.”

“Well, maybe you should leave,” Sabine said.

“Bet I can shoot more stormtroopers than you.”

“Bet you can’t.”

“Can we just stop while we’re ahead and hope there _aren’t_ any troopers when we get there?” Kanan cut in.

“Hera’s contact said we’re all clear,” Sabine answered with a shrug. “We’ll be fine.”

The looming skyscraper came closer, eerily backlit by forked lightning. Ezra peered out at it, that uncomfortable flicker starting at the back of his mind.

“I do not have a good feeling about this,” he said. Beside him, Kanan was tense.

“I sense it, too. We need to be quick about this, people. They may already know we’re here.”

Ezra grabbed a handhold as the ship bumped its way down to the roof of the building, the familiar sensation of danger getting stronger the closer they got.

“Kanan…” he said.

“It’ll be all right,” his master replied. “We just need to be _really_ quick. The Empire doesn’t know the _exact_ timeline, but we should hurry.”

The craft landed with a thump, and Sabine got up from the chair. “Keeping the engines hot,” she said.

“Hera sent ponchos,” Zeb said, holding a stack of them in his hands.

“Ponchos,” muttered Kanan. “I can’t fight in a poncho!”

“I’d rather have wet fur.”

Sabine brushed by them. “Let’s just go.”

Ezra watched as she placed her hand against the ramp control to lower it. He didn’t like this.

“There they are,” Kanan, still at the viewport, said. Ezra joined Sabine at the hatch as the door opened and the ramp extended.

“Be careful,” he murmured.

“Always,” she replied, quirking a smile before putting her helmet on. She was still looking at him, but her face was now hidden. He hoped she couldn’t see the concern on his, as he was trying his best to mask it.

The Spectres left the ship and headed for the group of engineers waiting for them on the other side of the _Phantom II_. Within seconds the rebels were soaked through, rain pounding relentlessly down. Thunder boomed again, further increasing the gloom of the mission and Ezra’s premonition. Kanan began ushering the engineers along back to the _Phantom II_.

They’d barely gone a few steps before the roof door whipped open and a platoon of stormtroopers came out, already blasting. One of the engineers took a direct hit to the chest and went down. Kanan and Ezra lit their lightsabers, and Sabine was already returning fire. Zeb hefted the woman over his shoulder and ran back to the ship as the Spectres retreated.

The rain, though, slowed things down severely, and the engineers, dressed in work shoes, fought to keep their footing on the slick roof. Zeb returned from the ship to join the fray.

“Go!” shouted Kanan at the engineers. “A little faster, please!”

The stormtroopers advanced, having no trouble with the tricky terrain. The Jedi’s lightsabers sizzled where raindrops hit the blades.

It happened when there were only three stormtroopers left. The last engineer was just getting into the _Phantom II_ , and Zeb was smiling as he bashed two troopers’ helmets together and dropped their limp bodies to the ground. Sabine faced the shuttle, helping the final engineer get settled.

Then she looked over her shoulder at Ezra, checking on him.

That was when a prone trooper on the ground raised his blaster and pointed it at her.

She didn’t see it. But Ezra did.

“Sabine!” he called, but it was too late. She turned just as the red bolt lanced into her side. _“SABINE!”_ he screamed, her name tearing itself from his throat. _“NO!”_

He was by her side in a second, dropping to the roof, knees hitting hard. His lightsaber clattered away. She shoved her helmet off her head with a grimace and looked down at the wound as he gathered her into his arms and held her close. Another bolt came their way, this time slicing across his upper arm. He barely felt it.

“You’re all right,” he said. “You’re going to be all right. I’ve got you.”

“I can’t believe he shot me.” Even through the anger, he could hear pain, restrained but still there.

“It’s okay.”

“Is it bad?”

“No.”

“You’re a terrible liar. Always have been.”

“I should have been watching you.” Ezra’s voice was tight and high, and rain coursed down his face and under his shirt, chilling him to the bone. “This is not what I saw,” he whispered. “I didn’t see this. I saw us…happy.”

Through the Force, he could feel her pain, magnified with the special connection they shared. He sent her as much pain relief and comfort as he could. Grimacing, the waves of pain crashing into him over and over, he surveyed the wound.

_I don’t know how to heal. Jedi powers, and I can’t heal._

Still, he put his hand gently over it and closed his eyes as he reached out to the Force. The rest of the world seemed to slow, and he searched through the tendrils of the Force to find the wound in it. It wasn’t hard to locate. But healing it? He knew very little about Force healing. He grit his teeth, determined to find a way to do this.

Zeb’s footsteps pounded up.

“We have to go,” he said. “Just heard comm chatter. Another platoon coming. They want those engineers bad.” Bending over, he scooped Sabine out of Ezra’s arms, easily pushing him away when he tried to hold onto her. The Force connection he’d made to her wound dissolved immediately, leaving him dazed. “C’mon, kid.”

Ezra picked up his lightsaber and stood, closing his eyes for a moment and letting the rain wash over him. Sabine had been hurt. He hadn’t been watching her, protecting her, and she had been _hurt_.

Actually…she had been trying to protect _him_ , and she’d been hurt.

He swallowed. Regret and disappointment in himself pounded through him.

“Kid!” Zeb called. “Now or never!”

Opening his eyes, Ezra looked for the trooper who had shot her. The soldier lay where he had fallen, breathing hard, blaster limp in his hand. Ezra stalked up to him, igniting his lightsaber, and the stormtrooper dropped the blaster as he weakly raised his hands.

“Please don’t,” he begged, mechanical voice skewed with pain. “I was just following orders.”

“Why shouldn’t I kill you?” Ezra asked. “You tried to kill her.”

“Don’t. Please.”

Wrestling himself back under control, Ezra hit the button to shut the saber down. His hands shook, and his voice was gravelly when he spoke again. “I want you to remember this. Remember what you tried to take away. Remember me, and remember her.” He paused, teeth clenching together. “Remember that I spared your life.”

He started to turn away, fingers gripping the saber hard.

“That,” Kanan said from behind him, “is exactly why Jedi aren’t supposed to form attachments.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sabine recovers from her blaster wound, and she has a difficult conversation with Ezra. Kanan has some words of wisdom himself.

Zeb cradled Sabine on the ride up to the _Ghost_. She was remarkably quiet for someone suffering a serious blaster wound, only occasionally groaning when a pocket of air bumped the ship. Her eyes stayed closed for the most part, although when they did open, it was to search out Ezra, sitting across from her and Zeb in the cramped shuttle.

When the _Phantom II_ docked, Zeb rose first. Ezra followed him down the ramp and into the _Ghost_ , leaving Kanan behind to deal with the engineers. By the time they got to the cockpit, Hera had made the jump to lightspeed.

“Sabine was hurt,” Zeb said. Hera swung around in her seat, then shot up and hurried over when she saw the three. “She needs a medic. Bacta strips won’t help this.”

“I know a sympathetic system close by,” Hera said. “Keep the engineers in the _Phantom II_. They can’t know about any of this.”

“Hold on, Sabine,” Ezra murmured, taking her hand as Hera relayed the orders to Kanan over the comm.

“It’s going to be okay, kid,” Zeb said. “She’s a tough one.”

Again, her eyes opened to seek him out, and he squeezed her hand.

\---

None of them, save Hera, knew the name of the system, much less the planet. She wouldn’t let any of the crew inside the cockpit as she corresponded with someone on the ground. When the _Ghost_ landed, Hera headed to the ramp with Zeb, Sabine, and Ezra behind. However, after Zeb exited and Ezra started after him, she put her arm up across the hatchway.

“I’m sorry, Ezra,” she said, and she truly sounded it. “I can’t let you. This is need-to-know only.”

“Yeah, and I _need_ to know she’s going to be okay,” he retorted.

“She’ll be fine. She’s in good hands here.”

“Then let me go in place of Zeb. I can carry her.”

“You’re too close to this.” Hera was maddeningly calm. Maddeningly motherly. As Hera often was. “You can’t be impartial.”

“Same as I couldn’t be with anyone else on the crew,” Ezra argued. She didn’t reply. “Hera!”

But she just shook her head, her expression telling him how hard it was for her to do this to him. “I’m sorry,” she said again.

“I need to be _with her_!”

“You _are_ with her. Don’t worry. Kanan said the wound looked much worse than it is, and he’s seen plenty. Zeb will take good care of her. He was protecting her long before you were.” Hera gave him a smile and reached out to briefly clasp his shoulder. “I’ll keep you updated where I can.”

The hatch shut in front of him, leaving him with his last glimpse of Sabine unconscious in Zeb’s arms.

* * *

They only stayed on the planet for one standard day. Ezra checked in on Sabine frequently over their connection, and that way, he was able to gauge how she was doing. From the feel of it, she had come through bacta treatment great and was well on her way to recovery. She would, however, still need rest and to take it easy. When the Spectres came back to the _Ghost_ , Ezra was waiting.

“How is she?” he asked Hera as soon as the hatch opened. Zeb carried Sabine again, but she was awake and more aware of her surroundings.

“She’s doing a lot better,” Hera said. “We just need to get her back to her bunk and let her rest for a few days. Zeb, get her settled in. Ezra, tell the engineers we’ll be leaving soon.”

He nodded, his heart soaring to see Sabine with color in her face again. “On it.”

They were in the air and making for open space when he finished his task. Blowing out a breath, a smile on his face and his heart much lighter now, he headed to his cabin to look for something he hadn’t thought about in quite a while. Kneeling down in front of one of his two drawers, he pulled it open and began going through it. Before he could find the item, however, he felt Kanan’s presence behind him.

“Can we talk?” his master asked.

“Sure,” Ezra replied, but kept his attention on riffling through the drawer. Kanan’s Force sense was unsettled. Something hovered there, something Kanan _really_ needed to talk to him about. And Ezra had an idea of exactly what it was. It could be nothing else.

“Ezra.”

The gentle admonishment made Ezra stop and let out a breath. Pushing the drawer closed, he stood and faced Kanan.

“I know what you’re going to say already,” Ezra said. “So can we just…not?”

Kanan shut the door and crossed the cabin to him. Ezra looked away. It wasn’t that he was ashamed; far from it. He just did not want to have this conversation.

“Ezra, you’re not in trouble,” Kanan said gently as he sat on Zeb’s bunk. “I just wanted to talk to you about what happened on Fresia.”

Ezra crossed his arms. “Oh?”

“It would be wrong of me to forbid attachments.”

“You didn’t seem to approve when we were on Fresia.”

“You don’t _need_ my approval.”

“I don’t need your disapproval, either.”

“I _don’t_ disapprove. I just want to warn you.”

Ezra frowned. “Warn me?”

“Yes. The Jedi Order strictly forbids attachments because, as you know, fear of loss can lead to the dark side.”

“And…Jedi are just supposed to stop their feelings?” Ezra asked. “How is _that_ possible?”

“There are stories,” Kanan said. “Of forbidden romances. And the problems that happened because of them. The opposite of love is hate. You can see how easily things can go wrong.”

“I can, but how are we supposed to protect people if we don’t care for them? And are _all_ attachments bad? What about animals?”

Kanan chuckled and shook his head. “I know. I have my problems with the Code, too. Forcing oneself away from attachment just because it’s forbidden by the Code also causes pain. Jedi have left the Order because of this. This, and other things.” Kanan stood from the bunk, and Ezra felt relieved that the conversation was over. “Look, Ezra, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I don’t at all believe attachment is wrong. Obviously,” he added. “I just want you to be aware that the dark side can come at you in all forms, even the ones you least expect. You felt it then, when you confronted that trooper who’d shot Sabine. I could feel your turmoil and your anger. But you did the right thing, and I know you always will. Feelings, after all, are what make us human.” He briefly clasped Ezra on the shoulder. “You’ll be all right.”

After he’d left, Ezra turned back to his drawers again, running Kanan’s words over in his mind. At the bottom of the drawer, tucked away in a corner, was what he was looking for. It was a small, thinly stuffed pillow in the shape of a loth-wolf, with a cartoon drawing of the animal on it. It couldn’t have been bigger than a doll’s sofa cushion, and it didn’t even fill his palm. His mother had given it to him when he was six. Ezra remembered it clearly.

 _“To keep you safe, my sweet boy,”_ she’d said with a smile as she’d presented it to him. Little Ezra had taken it from her, joy lighting up his face.

 _“Always?”_ he asked.

 _“Always,”_ Mom said. _“It will protect you when Dad and I can’t.”_

_“Why do I need protected?”_

Mom sighed and crouched down in front of him. _“Because you are good, and kind. Those are the ones who most need protection in this universe.”_ Reaching out, she brushed her thumb across his left cheek. _“I love you, sweet one. Even when you’re big, you will always be my little boy.”_

The memory popped, and Ezra came back to himself. His eyes were wet, and he dashed the back of his hand across them. It had been a very emotional couple of days. Pocketing the tiny plush, he left his cabin.

\---

Sabine, lying in her bunk, opened her eyes when the door swished open, and she smiled a little in greeting. But just as quickly as it had appeared, it disappeared.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” Ezra replied, taking a seat in the chair next to her. Zeb had put it there so they could all keep her company and watch over her while she recovered. Reaching into his pocket, Ezra withdrew the loth-wolf pillow and held it out. It had seemed like such a big thing at the time, when he was nearly seven, but now, in his eighteen-year-old hand, it seemed so small. “My mom gave this to me when I was a kid. She said it was supposed to keep me safe. It’s a loth-wolf. They have a connection to the Force. Well, had. They’re extinct now.”

Sabine took it from his palm and studied it. “Why are you giving this to me?”

“To keep _you_ safe.” Feeling a little silly, Ezra looked down. “It’s just superstitious, but I’ve always kept it with me.”

“Thank you,” Sabine said, an odd note in her voice. “That’s sweet of you, Ezra.”

He nodded, blushing at her praise. “So how are you feeling?” he asked, taking her hand and leaning over to kiss her.

But Sabine turned her face away.

Cold dropped straight through him from his head to his feet, but he pushed it away, trying to ignore it. She was recovering from a shot to the side. She didn’t feel well. Of course she wouldn’t want to kiss him. His own blaster wound, although just a graze, suddenly burned.

“I’m okay,” she said.

She wouldn’t look at him. Now that he realized it, her hand was loose in his.

“What’s wrong?” Ezra asked.

“Fresia shouldn’t have happened.”

Ezra shrugged, assuming she was just annoyed at being injured – an extremely rare thing for her. “Everyone gets hurt.”

“Yeah, well, not me. And you were…I could tell…you were blaming yourself. Beating yourself up about it. Like you could have prevented it. It happened because I was distracted, because I was looking out for you.”

“We’ve always looked out for each other.”

“Not like this.” They were exactly her words from when they’d sparred on the ship, and she had gotten upset with him. When she turned her face back to his, his jaw clenched. Her eyes were wet. He knew, he just knew, somehow, instinctively, where this was heading.

“Sabine…” he whispered, but she shook her head.

“I’m sorry, Ezra,” she said, her voice just a breath. Now he shook his head, denying it.

“Sabine,” he said again. He felt numb. All of him was numb. Just getting words out was hard. “No. No, no. Don’t. Please don’t.”

“I have to,” she said. A tear slipped out and down her cheek, which was awful enough, but the look on her face, the pain, the regret, was even worse. Injured, recovering, without her makeup or usual bravado, hair dull and unstyled, not put-together like she usually was, it all made her look so small, so… _vulnerable_. And not in the way that she had been the last time Ezra had been in her room, _so completely open and vulnerable to him_ , but in a way he’d never seen before. It wasn’t the openness of her heart, her mind, and her body to his, but a horrible vulnerability of all the wrong emotions. “We can’t do this.”

“No, no, don’t say that,” Ezra said, reaching out to brush the tear away. _Please don’t say that._ “We can do it. We just have to try harder.” He already felt like they were trying hard _enough_ , but if it wasn’t enough for her, he would do more. Even more. Whatever she asked.

“It was too fast, too much…” Sabine said. “We both knew that.”

“ _I_ didn’t know.” Sabine’s hand lay limp in his, and while part of him focused on that sensation, he couldn’t deny the hurt he felt thinking about it. Thinking about being…rejected.

Abandoned.

Sabine frowned, just slightly. “Really, you didn’t? You didn’t think we should have talked first, or…something?”

“Of course I did,” Ezra said. “But it didn’t happen that way, but that was fine because it…it worked.”

He tried, too, to ignore the notes of desperation and fear working their way into his voice.

“Ezra,” Sabine said, voice firm. This time, her hand clenched his, but it seemed to be more reactionary than affectionate. “We need to go back to the way things were. We _have_ to.”

“We _can’t_ ,” he insisted. “We can’t, we’ve… I love you, and I thought… You said that you loved me, too, and… We said we’d get through everything together…” Ezra shook his head. Nothing made sense right now. “Sabine, we’ve _slept together_!”

“I know. I know this is hard, but – ”

“Do you regret it now or something?”

“No, I don’t,” she said. _How_ could she be so calm about this? “Of course not. This has nothing to do with that. That was…that was amazing, but we need to be realistic – ”

Ezra stood from the chair so fast it scraped back across the deck. His fists shouldn’t be clenching. He was a Jedi; he _knew_ better. He was _trained_ better. “I know what you’re doing,” he said. “I’m not stupid. I know you better than anyone. You’re afraid and blaming _yourself_ , so you’re shutting me out and pushing _me_ away. That’s not fair, and it’s not right.”

“It’s not that I _want_ to do it,” Sabine said, fingers clutching the loth-wolf pillow, eyes shining. “I just think it’s best…safest…for us. This was one of the reasons I was afraid to move things forward with you, because I knew you would worry so much about hurting me, and you’d take it so hard if I did get hurt…” She paused, while he stared at her, waiting, his jaw still clenched. “I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not true. I’m not abandoning you.”

Ezra shook his head and turned away to leave her cabin. He was better than this. Better than how he was reacting and behaving.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“No,” he said. “I’m not.”

“Ezra – ”

He pressed the closer, and the doors snapped shut behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me. I have a plan.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sabine and Ezra try to adjust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lotion shout-out to @aluckydenvermint. Who I'm preeeeetty sure is 95% of the reason this keeps getting longer.

_I am the kind of person people leave._

Kanan found him later in his cabin, curled over his knees with his back against Zeb’s bunk.

“Hey, Kanan.”

“What’s going on?” his master asked as he took a seat beside him.

“Sabine dumped me.”

“Ah. You okay?”

Ezra shook his head, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to blot out the world. “I didn’t see this coming.”

“I know how that feels. She blindsided you.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not surprised she did it. That’s Sabine. But that doesn’t make it any less difficult. What was her reasoning?”

“Fresia,” Ezra said. “Her getting hurt, me being too worried about her and trying – and failing – to heal her. She was afraid we wouldn’t be able to rely on each other anymore. That’s what she said when we were sparring a couple days ago, and she got mad at me. It all just got to be too much for her.”

Kanan didn’t answer, instead reaching out to put his hand on Ezra’s back.

“It’s like I lose everyone,” Ezra said, putting his forehead back on his knees. “Everyone around me leaves. I don’t know if it’s me or what I do or say or…what it is. But everyone goes. In the end.”

“We’ve stayed,” Kanan said.

“I know. But…Sabine didn’t.”

“She’s still here. Just not in the way you want her to be. It’s just going to take time. Do your meditations, focus on the Force, spar with me. Keep your mind off it. Hell, pull a prank on Chopper and Zeb if it’ll make you feel better.”

At that, Ezra cracked a smile. “I might just do that.”

\---

Later in the evening, Ezra got into the shower to wind down and get ready for bed. As the water washed over him – lukewarm because Zeb had used it before him, and the Lasat was both greedy and high-maintenance when it came to bathing – he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead on the wall. It wasn’t that long ago that Sabine had joined him, taking him by surprise and giving them just a few minutes alone. The moment hadn’t even lasted five minutes, but he felt regret for not living more in it, instead being worried about this or that instead of just _being_ with her. Being present, like he was supposed to be with the Force.

Unbidden, the images from the vision he’d had of him and Sabine together rose up in his mind. He focused on it, unable (and maybe a little unwilling, even if it hurt) to pull his mind away. They looked so _happy_. Could it have been a lie? Generated by his own fantasies of a life with her? A dream masquerading as a Force vision? He didn’t know anymore. He’d thought he was far enough along in his training to know the difference, to know when something _felt right_ , and this did. It felt so real, as real as her body against his in the late hours of the night, when no one else was awake and it was just them, alone, together. There was so much happiness in it, in their house, their pets, their baby… The war was over, and it was just _them_.

Ezra sighed, the water cooling a few more degrees over him. He needed to finish up and get out soon, or he’d be cold _and_ sad.

The door whisked open, and his ears perked up. It couldn’t be…? No. That was ridiculous. She’d just dumped him; why would she get back in the shower with him?

_“Zeb.”_

“Heh,” came the reply.

“Don’t you dare, don’t you dare, _don’t you –_ ”

_Flush._

Icy water came shooting out of the shower nozzle.

“ _Gah!_ Dammit, Zeb! Go!”

“Sorry, mate. Nature called.”

“And remember to clean your fur out of the drain next time!” Ezra yelled after him, but the door had already opened and shut again. Growling, he shut off the water and pulled his towel down to wrap it around his waist. He stepped out, dried off, and dressed, eying a new bottle of Hera’s favorite meiloorun-scented hand lotion on the counter. He was surprised she’d left it out in clear sight. It was rare the crew was ever someplace where they could get it, and she refused to let anyone else touch it no matter how dry their skin. Ezra’s toothbrush had a couple of Zeb’s hairs on it, and he groaned as he plucked them off. Sticking the brush in his mouth and toweling his hair dry, he left the ’fresher.

“Ready for bed already?” Kanan asked when Ezra entered the common area.

“Eh,” he said, about all he could get out around the toothbrush. Then he noticed Sabine was there, sitting next to Kanan at the dejarik table, pale but upright, her hand pressed to the spot where the wound lay beneath her clothes. It was the first time she’d left her cabin since Fresia two days ago. Ezra didn’t say anything, not sure what he really _could_ say, and besides, he had the toothbrush in his mouth.

What he _saw_ , though, was hurt in her eyes when he turned away, left the room, and went to the galley. (Although, really, what did she expect?)

It wasn’t that he needed anything to eat or drink – he was brushing his teeth, after all – but he needed to be _away_. It was still too fresh, and too soon, and he couldn’t bear looking at her or being around her. That being said, he was still vaguely tempted to reach out and brush her presence with the Force, see what she _really_ felt about all of this. He would never actually _do_ that, of course; it would be a gross violation of their trust. But all he was getting over their shared connection – because it was still going strong, despite him thinking it might somehow go away after they’d broken up – was turmoil. It compounded what he already felt about the situation and made him feel mildly sick to his stomach. It was just too much emotion for one person to handle.

Frowning, brushing too hard to distract himself from the unsettled Force sense, he paced the galley and cursed himself for being a coward and not facing her or shrugging it off. He was only delaying the inevitable right now, he knew. He had to cross back through the common room to get to the ’fresher. Now he wished he’d never left it and just headed straight to bed after he’d finished his nighttime routine.

When soft, slow footsteps padded up behind him, Ezra found himself surprised.

“Hey,” Sabine said tentatively.

“Hey,” he replied around the toothbrush, but he didn’t turn around. He wasn’t, after all, entirely sure he could face her.

“So…is this how it’s going to be?” Sabine’s voice was uncharacteristically quiet. Gentle. “You’re going to avoid me? Stop talking to me?”

Ezra turned around. “Sabine,” he said before remembering he still had the toothbrush in his mouth. He turned back to the sink, spat the paste out as discreetly as possible, and rinsed his mouth out. Then he faced her again. She looked sad, uncomfortable, worried, and her sense reflected that. He shrugged. “You dumped me,” he said. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

Sabine stepped up to him. “I want us to be _friends_ ,” she said. “For…for now. Then, after the war, when we have some time – ”

“What if I don’t have that kind of time?” he cut in. Shock flashed on her face. “I don’t know what the future holds for me, but it’s not going to be like yours and the rest of the crew’s. I’m a Jedi; I can’t just walk away from this. I’m going to be in it until my part is done.”

“And you think _I_ can walk away?” she said. “I’m in this until the end, too. And I want you by my side.”

“But that’s the thing: you _don’t_ want me.”

Sabine made a noise of frustration and shook her head. He knew that move. It meant not only was she genuinely frustrated, but she didn’t have a quick comeback.

“I didn’t say that,” she said.

“Actually, you did,” Ezra pointed out.

“I’m trying to _protect_ you. Protect _both_ of us.”

This time, he took a step toward her. “And what makes you think I need your protection? I’ve never asked for it.”

“We watch each other’s backs,” Sabine said. “That’s what partners do.”

“I can’t do this.” Ezra brushed past her, but she put her hand on his shoulder. He stopped immediately, unable to help himself and the way she drew him to her. He was helpless, utterly helpless, when it came to her. And maybe she was right: maybe that _was_ the problem. They both were too weak for the other.

“Please,” Sabine said, her voice quiet again, eyes holding tears. It was then that he realized yes, this was hurting her, too, but she genuinely believed it was the best course for them. “I promise it’s not forever.”

“And what makes you think my feelings are going to just stop?” Ezra asked quietly, his hand coming up to cup her elbow. “We’re not just going to suddenly stop caring about each other because you’ve decided this is over.”

“Don’t,” she said, in the same tone he’d used in her cabin earlier. Her hand clenched on his shoulder, bunching the fabric of his shirt up. _“Don’t.”_

He didn’t. This was important to her, and he knew he had to back off. Because he loved her, and because she believed it was right, and he had to let her go right now because she wanted it. But he wanted…he wanted to hug her. He wanted to touch her more. It was agony not to be able to. This was a fear he’d had since the beginning, that he’d screw it all up and destroy their one chance to be together.

She’d said it wasn’t forever. She’d said she’d wait for him. For now, he would just have to count on that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry. I’m not into sad endings. I only do HEAs. I’m writing more material, and there’s an epilogue. I’m also planning a third piece to wrap this all up.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sabine reflects. Hera gives her, Zeb, and Ezra a mission. Ezra and Sabine aren't happy about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Resuviol for encouraging me to write Sabine’s POV. Thanks to @aluckydenvermint for continuing to encourage this whole thing and make it longer and longer and longer…
> 
> So the previous chapter was initially only one chapter (it plus the chapter before it), but I expanded it based on a comment. Now I’ve kept expanding based on comments. I hope you guys know how much we fic writers appreciate those comments. They mean the world to us, and they are so inspiring! They really do make a difference! Thank you so much for your reads, kudos, and comments. <3

_-Sabine-_

Sabine’s world was a lot emptier without Ezra around. Now that they weren’t dating (or whatever someone wanted to call it), her world became a lot quieter.

It would be another two days before they’d reach Yavin 4 again, and Sabine did not relish the idea of being stuck on the ship with Ezra for that length of time. It would just be so awkward. Obviously, she hadn’t grown up in a “normal” environment (whatever counted for “normal” these days), so she hadn’t been through all the trials and tribulations of dating a schoolmate or learning about these things the way other people her age might have. She wasn’t sure what the protocol was supposed to be for a breakup, and in a way, she wished their relationship had taken a different course. She didn’t regret what had happened with him, no, but maybe if they’d taken things slower instead of going from first kiss to first time in a matter of hours, this wouldn’t hurt as much. Maybe if they’d stayed on that precipice of _nearly_ being romantic, they wouldn’t be as emotionally invested. But they were now, and no matter how much she told her feelings to stop, they wouldn’t.

She still loved him.

_It’s only been half a day. Of course you do._

Sabine felt like she was _better than this_ , better than pining after him or moping around like a schoolgirl. She didn’t _need_ anyone, after all; relationships were secondary, and Mandalorians tended not to make a big deal out of feelings. It was probably more accurate to say that while she didn’t need him, she _wanted_ him. She wanted him in her life as a romantic partner, as someone she could share her life with who wasn’t just a friend. It had been fine until the last year, when she could no longer deny her feelings and just being around him and pretending like things were normal and platonic became almost painful. He had mostly stopped trying to flirt with her or impress her, and over time, she’d begun to think he wasn’t interested anymore. Which seemed okay at first…until it wasn’t. She found herself yearning for his touch, friendly though it was, her skin tingling whenever he did it and for minutes after. It embarrassed her, really, that she felt the way she did, because for so long, Ezra had been an annoying kid to her, a nuisance she was fond of, but he’d grown _so much_ , in so many ways (and she had not missed what Jedi training did to his scrawny frame, though he seemed oblivious to the changes…which was probably for the best).

Putting her hands behind her head as she lay in her bunk, Sabine listened to the sounds of the ship at night and tried to parse out how she felt about all this and get herself back under control. Hera had talked to her about puberty and sex and boys years ago, but she hadn’t really gone into detail – even though she’d invited questions (that Sabine was thoroughly unwilling to ask, figuring she’d just figure it all out when the time came). In one of Sabine’s more memorable moments on the _Ghost_ , she had actually overheard Kanan _trying_ to talk to Ezra about it. Hera had made enough snarky comments to Kanan about his “younger days” to give Sabine a good idea of what he’d been like before Hera had come into his life. So hearing him try to give Ezra generic fatherly advice was both forehead-slapping and amusing. Until, of course, Chopper had rolled in, flashed up a _very_ detailed diagram, and Kanan had scampered away and it had just become downright embarrassing.

The memory still made her smile.

All of this wasn’t helping, though. If she tried hard enough, Sabine could still smell a trace of Ezra on her pillow. Every time she was in her cabin, she thought about their two nights together. _Two._ It seemed so few, now that it was over. There had been a few others, but all they’d done was sleep, too nervous at the time about being together on the ship with the crew around. They’d never taken the steps between kissing and sex, and neither of them had initiated it, even though he had to have wanted it as much as she did. He _had_ to be just as curious. But both of them had held back.

It hurt now, more than it had when she’d ended things, thinking of him being off-limits to her. No more kisses, no more touches, no more secret smiles, no more sharing a bed. What was the point of it, she wondered? Why _was_ she forcing herself to stay away from him, when she wanted so badly to be with him?

 _This is for the best,_ she told herself yet again. _Neither of us will get hurt this way._

 _But Ezra’s already hurt,_ her conscience broke in. _More than you’ll ever be able to know. And you’re hurting yourself, too._

 _I’m trying to_ protect _us. He’ll get over it._

 _Right, like he’s gotten over all the_ other _people he’s lost or who have abandoned him?_

Sabine growled and turned over onto her stomach, then hissed when a burst of pain shot to her wound. Closing her eyes tight, she grit her teeth against it. She wanted to curl up into a ball and go to sleep, but the wound prevented that.

Suddenly her eyes popped open as she remembered the connection she shared with Ezra. His disquiet had woken her up the first time they were back on the _Ghost_ after their relationship had changed, and if she didn’t get her thoughts under control, she was pretty sure she would wake him up, too. And she did _not_ want him to know this. She needed to keep it to herself.

Things would be fine. They had to be.

* * *

The next afternoon, Sabine ventured out again. Hera, Kanan, Zeb, and even Chopper had all stopped by her room in the morning to bring her food, keep her company, and ask her if she needed anything.

Ezra had not stopped by.

She didn’t blame him.

Part of the reason she’d stayed holed up in her room was because she didn’t want to see him again. She didn’t think she could bear it. Last night alone with her thoughts had been bad enough, but she’d felt more in control then.

This morning she’d awoken to find her connection to him blocked off. He was intentionally walling himself away from her.

People always said things like surgery hurt worse on the second day. Maybe breakups were like that, too, when you got over the shock and truly felt the pain of having your heart excised – even if you’d done it to yourself. Ezra had to feel the same way – worse, given that he was the one who got dumped, he was the one who’d been completely blindsided, and he was the one who’d been in love longer. He probably couldn’t face her the way she couldn’t face him unless it couldn’t be avoided. He wasn’t petty enough that he was “paying her back” or anything by not visiting her. He probably just hurt way too much, and even though she’d told him she wanted to revisit the idea again in the future, after the war was over, that sentiment probably held little weight for him. Maybe he was giving her space, too.

Part of her thought maybe he actually _would_ visit, though; he was the kindest, gentlest soul she’d ever met, who cared no matter how much it hurt. It was one of the things she most loved about him.

But this, apparently, hurt way too much.

Sabine sat at the dejarik table playing a lackluster game with Chopper, her cheek on her fist, and let her mind drift from noise to noise. Kanan was reading something he didn’t seem to agree with, and Zeb was looking over his shoulder.

“This is boring,” Zeb said. “What use is reading the thoughts of some bloke who’s been dead five thousand years?”

“Not much, apparently,” Kanan replied. “His beliefs are very outdated.”

Zeb scoffed. “Yeah. _Because he’s been dead five thousand years._ ” He stood and stretched with a yawn. “You should read something more interesting, Kanan.”

Kanan _hmphed_ and otherwise didn’t reply. Hera walked in holding a datapad.

“Family meeting,” she said. Sabine looked up, and Chopper took the opportunity to cackle to himself and pull an illegal move. She sent him a frown. “Got a quick mission from Command. They need us to drop some relief aid off.” Hera looked around. “Where’s Ezra?”

Zeb did the same, turning his head to scan the room. “He was here just a minute ago.”

“He hasn’t been here in fifteen minutes,” Kanan said without looking up.

Fifteen minutes. Roughly the same time Sabine had entered the room.

“Well, someone find him, please,” Hera said. When no one made any effort to get up, she sighed. “Zeb, go.”

Grumbling, Zeb walked out of the room. “I’m not a babysitter,” he growled.

Hera turned her attention to Sabine. “Sabine, do you think you and Ezra can handle a relief mission? It’s just a simple drop-and-go. Take the supplies to the relief center, then come back up. Shouldn’t take more than a couple hours. Zeb will go, too.”

Hera had to know what happened with Ezra, so why was she asking?

“I’m not sure,” Sabine said truthfully. “I don’t think I’m fit for combat yet.”

“I just need you to pilot the _Phantom II_ down, with Zeb and Ezra moving the supplies.” Hera’s voice softened. “I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t feel it was necessary.”

Sabine quickly looked away from Hera’s compassionate, knowing face. “Yeah, sure, it’s not a problem.”

Zeb trudged back in with Ezra in tow. Sabine punched a button on the game table to move her pawn. She half-hoped Ezra would do what he occasionally did when he walked by the table and Chopper was playing, which was to intentionally send one of the droid’s pawns to a bad space and give a small victory to the other, more honest player.

But he didn’t this time. Sabine stared at the table, fist clenching against her cheek.

“What’s up?” Ezra asked.

“Quick mission,” Hera said. “Need you and Zeb to go down to the surface of a small planet to provide some relief aid. Sabine will be piloting the _Phantom II_.”

Ezra didn’t reply for a short beat. “Can’t…someone else do it?”

Out of the corner of her eye, Sabine saw Hera’s fists move to her hips. _“No,”_ she said. “This is your mission, and you will do it. Since when did bargaining for missions become standard around here? I assign it; you _do_ it.”

Ezra didn’t reply, and Sabine didn’t dare look up. The tension in the room was painful. No one moved a muscle, until Chopper muttered something Sabine didn’t catch.

“Shut up, Chopper,” Ezra snapped.

“Ezra,” Hera chastised, as the droid just chuckled. Then – typical – he rolled over to Ezra, whacked him hard on the shin with his pincer, and zoomed out.

“Ow! I’ll be ready,” Ezra said tersely. “Just tell me when.”

Then he left the room, and the tension eased a bit.

“What’s wrong with him?” Zeb asked.

“Leave it alone, Zeb,” Kanan said.

Without another word, Hera left the way Chopper had, uncomfortable silence lingering behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a fic called [The Talk](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17445980), in which Kanan tries to give Ezra The Facts of Life, which I reference at the beginning! It was my first “Rebels” piece, and I am fond of it. 😊


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zeb, Ezra, and Sabine go on an awkward mission together. Ezra makes a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big, huge chapter to make up for my 3-week-long absence. Enjoy!

_-Sabine-_

 

Gingerly, Sabine pulled on her bodysuit and armor, careful not to aggravate the wound. She winced anyway, the injury still tender. Why couldn’t Kanan have piloted? This was ridiculous.

Although, now that she thought about it, Hera was probably thinking that Sabine just wanted to jump right back into things. Which was true – or had been true in the past. Or, well, _would_ be true had things not taken the turn they had with Ezra. Now Sabine was going to be stuck with him on a small craft for a couple hours. She wasn’t entirely sure if having Zeb there would make it better or worse. Zeb could easily ratchet up the tension of the situation with his snarky remarks, and Ezra was incredibly touchy these days.

 _And this is exactly why Jedi don’t have relationships,_ Sabine thought as she sat down in the pilot’s seat and started the ship up. _This, and a thousand other reasons._

Two sets of footsteps approached behind her, Zeb’s heavy tread and Ezra’s much lighter.

“Ship prepped?” Zeb asked.

“Yup, coming online,” Sabine replied, flicking a few switches overhead. Behind her, the two strapped in. Instinctively, she sent her thoughts out to the place in Ezra’s mind that connected to hers…only to remember belatedly that he’d put a beskar door up in front of it, completely barring her from any sense of him. She glanced back over her shoulder, to see him adjusting gear under his seat and double-checking his lightsaber. It was like he wasn’t even _trying_ , like blocking her came _easy_ to him and required absolutely no effort on his behalf. Like he was just doing it in the background, unconscious, the way a ship constantly ran computer programs without anyone thinking about them.

Sabine grit her teeth, suddenly angry at him.

“All set,” she said, shoving the feelings and thoughts out of her mind. She keyed the comm and told Hera they were undocking the ship.

The ride down to the tan planet was completely silent, no one speaking a word until they got into the atmosphere.

“What’s up with you two?” muttered Zeb. “Usually we can’t get Ezra to shut up, and you haven’t said anything in hours, Sabine.”

“Maybe I don’t have anything good to say,” Ezra retorted.

“No one does,” Sabine said. “So let’s just all keep quiet.”

“Ugh,” Zeb said. “The sooner we’re done with this, the better. _Teenagers._ Last time I’m letting Hera stick me with you two on a mission. Least you can do is angst somewhere else. Somewhere I’m _not_.”

“You done, Zeb?” Sabine asked as they closed in on the landing site. She released the giant box of supplies from the bottom of the ship, then landed with an ungraceful thump. She smacked the opener for the ramp and hit the release for her crash restraints. “I’ll help you.”

“No way,” Zeb said, holding up his arm to block her way. “Hera said you’re to stay on the ship. You’re still wounded.”

“Zeb’s right,” Ezra said. He unstrapped and stood. “We’ll get the supplies to the center. You stay here.”

Sabine put her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at him. “Oh? And since when are you – ”

“ _I_ will handle the supplies _myself_ ,” Zeb snapped. He put a hand on Ezra’s shoulder and pushed him back down in his seat. “Anything to get away from you two.”

They both stared after him as he left the ship and headed to the supply box. The tension in the ship didn’t diminish at all, even with Zeb gone.

“So that was awkward,” Ezra said.

“You _made_ it awkward.” Sabine returned to the pilot’s seat and sat down, watching Zeb make his slow, ponderous way to the relief center with the giant box in front of him.

“Being mad at each other isn’t going to help things any.” Ezra’s voice had lost all the fight, and now he just sounded defeated. “It’s just going to make things worse. I don’t even know why you’re mad at me.”

Sabine clenched her hands on the seat. “I’m not mad at you,” she said quietly, focusing hard on Zeb. The fight had left her, too. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then…why does it _feel_ like you hate me?”

“I don’t hate you. I just can’t…deal with all this right now.” Outside the viewport, Zeb struggled with the malfunctioning repulsorlifts on the crate. “Hera has to know what happened. I don’t see why she put us on a mission together.”

“Because we’re partners.”

Sabine’s first instinct was to think it was a dig, a cruel reminder of the words she’d said to him when she’d ended things. But that was wrong, she quickly reminded herself. He was never cruel. He was simply stating the facts.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“How are you feeling?” Ezra asked.

“I’m fine. Doesn’t hurt.” It did hurt.

“Okay.”

Zeb continued to struggle with the crate, so Sabine got up from the chair. She kept her eyes ahead of her, anywhere but close to Ezra. “We should help him,” she said, and when she accidentally brushed past him in the cramped ship (even though she’d tried extra hard to _not_ ), something sparked in her mind, and it _hurt_. She left the ship as quickly as possible.

“Not doing so great, are ya, Zeb?” she asked when she walked up to him.

“Nice of you to come out and help finally,” he muttered. “Anti-gravs are broken on this thing.”

“Why bother when we have a Jedi?” Sabine said, motioning to Ezra as he joined them.

“Not this time,” he replied with a shake of his head. “Hera said no Force powers.”

Sabine rolled her eyes. “Of course.”

Zeb grit his teeth and lowered his shoulder against the crate, uselessly pushing against it one final time. “It’s no use. This isn’t going anywhere until we can get the repulsorlifts fixed.”

Sabine keyed her wrist comm. “Spectre Two, got a problem.”

“Go ahead, Spectre Five.”

“Repulsorlifts broken on the crate. We can’t move it.”

“I was afraid that thing wouldn’t hold up much longer. There’s a junkyard twenty kilometers away. I’ll send the coordinates to the _Phantom_. They should have parts to spare.”

“With what money?” muttered Sabine as Hera disconnected.

“We could trade Zeb in,” Ezra suggested.

“Ha,” Zeb replied. “More like we’ll trade in your good gear or Sabine’s makeup.”

“Very funny. Hera gave me some credits before we left. Let’s go.”

Ezra turned back to the ship, Sabine following, but Zeb didn’t move.

“Someone has to stay here with the supplies,” Zeb reasoned. “And I don’t want any more time alone with you lot.”

“He just keeps getting more pleasant,” Sabine said as she boarded.

“He’s got a point,” Ezra said. “We’re not exactly a garden of catnip.”

The phrase was so odd that Sabine shot him a look over her shoulder, brow arched. _“A garden of catnip?”_

Ezra shrugged, palms out to the side. “Yeah?”

Sabine shook her head and turned back to the control board. “That is just…so…”

He crossed his arms. “So what?”

_“Quaint.”_

“Well, what would _you_ say?”

Settling her hands on the yoke again, Sabine lifted the ship up into the air. “I would say _everyone has a blaster and we’re the only ones not firing_.”

“Wow, that’s…violent.”

Sabine returned the shrug and eased the ship forward. “That’s me. Violent. Now where’s this junkyard Hera was talking about?”

“We’re still a ways out.” Placing a hand on the top of the pilot’s seat, he bent down to peer out the viewport, his face a handspan from hers. Sabine’s heart quickened, but not pleasantly. Not like before, when his very nearness set her heart alight. He was _way too close_ , and it made her nervous.  

“Mind giving me some space?” she said tartly, the request coming out far sharper than she intended. Ezra jerked upright as if struck.

“Sorry,” he murmured. “I know you need…space.”

Sabine flushed, and to keep her feelings at bay, glared out the viewport. She hadn’t meant it like _that_. (Or maybe she had, and hadn’t realized it.)

“We’re coming up on it,” Ezra said after a few moments of heavy silence. His voice was so quiet, and she missed his usual personality. Ezra was easygoing, cheerful, and disarmingly charming, which was one of the ways he’d worked his way so easily into her heart without her knowing it. He occasionally had bouts of total seriousness, and while she respected them given that he was a Jedi, right now was not one of the moments she wanted him to be serious. It just made her feel _so much worse_.

“Should’ve sent Zeb to do this,” Sabine said in an effort to lighten the situation. “Can you see him trying to bargain for parts? Ha. He’d get us all blacklisted from this world.”

Ezra didn’t reply, and again Sabine reached out for that place in his mind where they connected.

Again, it was locked tight against her. Even tighter than before, actually.

Which made it hurt worse than before.

Sabine landed the ship a few meters away from some speeders, and they disembarked, wordless. A Toydarian fluttered around the yard, haggling with customers, being obsequious.

“Hello, lord and lady,” he said when he flew over. “Please call me Barshi. How may I be of excellent service to you?”

Sabine exchanged a glance with Ezra. “Something you’re not telling me?” she quipped.

He didn’t take the joke, instead turning his attention to Barshi. “We need some repulsorlifts, about four of them, weight capacity two to three hundred kilograms.”

The alien clasped his small hands together. “Ah, yes, yes, I have some of those, very good condition, perfect to serve you. Won’t you please come with me?” He put his hand on Ezra’s back to guide him further into the junkyard, around busted and used-up parts that didn’t look like they’d survive another day. Sabine followed.

“These, my friend, these are _beautiful_ ,” the Toydarian said when they stopped before a pile of dented repulsorlifts.

“These…don’t even look like they work,” Sabine said. Barshi chuckled.

“A Mandalorian,” he said. “Smart as she is beautiful. Deadly and cunning.”

“Right, all of the above. And about to get very angry right now.”

Barshi danced back in the air, hands held up in placation. “No cause for anger, my lady, no cause. Barshi makes excellent deals. The best junkyard in this quadrant. You won’t find better.”

Sabine jammed her fists onto her hips. “Your _better_ is someone else’s melted scrap.”

Ezra’s hand strayed close to her, a warning to back off. “Sabine,” he said. “We’ll take four, Barshi. But we want them tested and in working order. No games.”

Barshi chuckled, clasping his hands together again. “Yes, lord, of course. Your beautiful companion has been very kind. She would make a lovely addition to this fine junkyard.” His bulbous eyes shifted to Sabine. “Are you hiring out your services, my pretty? I would make it _well_ worth your while.”

Ezra stepped toward him, fists clenched. “She’s not.”

“No cause for anger, no cause,” Barshi said, once more placating. “Let Barshi get this order ready for you right away. Please, feel free to wait in my waiting room, or you can relax in your ship, if you like.” With that, he zoomed off, yelling in Huttese to someone in the shop a few meters away.

“Did you just _get_ _jealous_ of a Toydarian?” Sabine asked as they turned to walk back to the ship. She couldn’t help the slight smile on her face, and the fact that Ezra wouldn’t look at her made it grow.

“No,” he said. “I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have reacted that way if I knew you enjoyed _being hit on_ by one.”

Sabine followed him up the _Phantom II_ ’s ramp, chuckling to herself. Ezra hit a few buttons on the console.

“Air-con not working on this thing again,” he said. “I’m going to sit outside.”

“Thanks for the update.” Sabine dropped into one of the fold-out seats and closed her eyes.

She could just hear Ezra’s barely audible sigh right before he walked past her and exited the craft. Opening her eyes, she tilted her head back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. For a few moments, she tried to blank her thoughts entirely, until one got through.

_You’re not helping things any, Sabine._

No, but she didn’t want to go out there and talk to him, either. He was irritable, she was irritable, what was the point?

_You’re still friends. Remember that. That’s what you wanted to return to. This isn’t that at all. Fix it._

Growling to herself, knowing what the right choice was, she got up again and walked out into the sun. Blinking as her eyes adjusted, she looked around when she didn’t immediately spot Ezra. Then she saw him around the side of the craft, kneeled down next to a bushy red animal squeaking and burbling at him, thin pink tongue hanging out of a mouth with very long and sharp teeth.

“What the hell is that?” Sabine asked. The animal startled and growled at her, immediately going on the defensive.

“It’s a fox kit,” Ezra said, not looking up at her. “I think he’s lost.” He crooked his fingers and clucked at it, and it came prancing up to him. Then it jumped in the air with a yelp of pain. Barshi flew out of his shop on an intercept course, a long rifle slung over his small shoulder.

“Aha!” he said. “Got another one on the fence! Nuisances. Always trying to get in to lick the coating off the coils. It is like ambrosia to them!”

The Toydarian lined up a shot and squinted one eye shut.

“Hey!” Ezra jumped up and put himself between the rifle and the young animal.

“Ezra!” Sabine exclaimed, but he didn’t look over at her. Barshi twitched the rifle.

“Get out of the way, lord,” he said. “Need to dispense with this varmint.”

“No. He’s just hungry, and he’s just a baby. Leave him alone.”

The kit curled up on the ground, bushy red tail over its nose and hiding its eyes. Sabine could see it shaking, even from a couple meters away. Turning his back to the Toydarian and his rifle, Ezra bent and scooped up the kit, which squeaked at him some more.

“Come on,” he said to it. “Let’s go find your mom.”

He held the creature as if it were his own child, one arm low around its hindquarters and the other around its shoulders with its rear on his forearm. It placed its paws on his shoulder and gave a very small snarl toward Barshi as Ezra walked away, staring the Toydarian down.

Barshi shook his head and muttered something in Huttese that Sabine didn’t quite catch, and then he put his rifle against his shoulder again and flew dejectedly back toward his shop. Sabine trotted over to Ezra and the kit, now back on the ground and accepting chin rubs from a crouched Ezra.

“I think you ruined his day by making a friend,” she said.

“Barshi could use some more friends,” Ezra said. The kit practically vibrated with pleasure, eyes closed and face turned up toward the sunny sky. “I guess we all could,” Ezra added quietly.

Sabine didn’t know what to make of that, so she turned her back on it and walked back over to the _Phantom_. With a sigh, she gently lowered herself to the ground, careful not to aggravate the wound. Barshi was already going to make them wait awhile to work on the repulsorlifts, and now he had extra motivation to go really, really slow. Sabine draped her arms over her crossed legs and stared at the dry dirt of the ground below her, trying not to think.

Ezra’s laugh brought her head up. He was standing now, with the kit up on his shoulders looking proud of itself. As she watched, the creature made its same squeaky noises and patted its small black paws on Ezra’s head, eyes still closed as it soaked up the sun. Sabine smiled at the sight, something so sweet in the midst of war, so out of place. She was about to roll her eyes at the ridiculousness of it, when Ezra glanced over at her. The look on his face made her heart nearly stop in her chest.

His face was bright, genuinely happy, and he’d looked to her to share this moment, to see if she was enjoying it, too. He looked away quickly, while her eyes stayed on him. The kit trampled down his arm, and Ezra caught it in his hands, supporting it under its shoulders. It slung its long tongue out again and licked his cheek, and then its paw tapped Ezra’s scars, as if it knew something had happened to him.

“Yeah,” he murmured. “It’s not the best story.”

Sabine’s heart broke hearing that and watching the sadness take over his face at the memory. She remembered that day, when he and Kanan had come back from fighting the Grand Inquisitor, and she’d seen Ezra’s face torn up. She’d been the one to patch him up. Irritably.

_Kid, what did you think you were doing? Well, at least you’ll have some impressive scars you’ll be able to brag about._

_To all the girls, right._

_Psht. Yeah. Alllll the girls you’re meeting these days. You’re still pretty short. Oh, don’t wince. It’s just antiseptic and doesn’t hurt that bad. Stop being a baby. You should see my biggest scar._

_Where is it?_

She’d let out a loud sigh and rolled her eyes. _Keep dreaming, kiddo. Where’d you get this attitude, anyway? Stormtroopers in back alleys?_

_Actually –_

_Force, Ezra, I’m serious! Stop wiggling!_

When she’d finished, he’d reached up and gingerly touched the small bacta strips holding the skin together. _I suppose,_ he’d said in a quiet voice, _they won’t be that obvious?_ He’d looked up at her then, as she stood with the medkit in her hands, and in that moment, he’d looked so small, so young. Innocent. Things like this shouldn’t be happening to him, she'd realized. He hadn’t asked for _any_ of it.

 _I’ve got some makeup,_ she’d replied, uncomfortable with the moment and the vulnerability she was now seeing in him. _Don’t know if I can match your shade, though. But I can make it look cute._

When Ezra had smiled at her, she’d known it was the exact right thing to say. It was what he needed to hear. He didn’t need pity. He needed… Sabine didn’t know _what_ he needed, but even though they still were more like siblings, she had somehow known how to help him, like her rough-and-tumble personality just intrinsically clicked with his softer one.

Maybe what he’d truly needed that day…was _her_.

Ezra’s bootsteps brought Sabine out of her reverie. In the distance, the kit bounded away.

“You lost your friend,” she commented. Ezra chuckled and sat down beside her.

“He was hungry,” he replied. “Knew where his mom was. Just was trying to score extra food from Barshi’s compost pile.”

“Ah. Resourceful.”

“Yes.” He pulled his knees up, blew out a breath, and leaned his head back against the ship. “Any idea when we’ll be able to get back to Zeb?”

Sabine shrugged. “No clue, but I doubt it’ll be soon. Couple hours, maybe?”

“I’ll let him know.”

While he communicated with a very disgruntled Zeb, Sabine watched the junkyard. There was no sign of Barshi.

“Well, he’s mad,” Ezra said as he muted his comm. “Predictably.”

“Guess we don’t have anywhere to go, anyway.” She crossed her arms and closed her eyes. “Might as well take a break.”

“Right.”

Not like she could actually rest, with Ezra’s disquieted presence next to her. She didn’t need the Force or a special connection to him to sense his discomfort and anxiety.

“Relax,” she mumbled, eyes still closed and hoping he would calm down a bit. “I’m not going to bite you.”

“No, but you don’t want me here, either.”

The truth of the statement, and the fact that he could still (of course) sense it about her, made her eyes fly open. Pursing her lips and turning her face to him, she was about to snap something – her default tended to be anger – but when she saw him hunched over, drawing she had no idea what in the dirt with his finger, the retort died in her throat. He looked the same way he had that day with the Grand Inquisitor. Her heart softened, as it always did.

“It’s not fair,” she said evenly, “that you can sense what I’m thinking, but I can’t sense what you’re thinking. Anymore.”

Ezra stiffened a little at that – she’d caught him – but continued drawing in the dirt. “Perks of the job,” he quipped, with little bravado behind it.

“You’ve shut me out.”

He didn’t reply right away. “You didn’t want me in.”

Sabine sighed. She wasn’t going to win this one, and even though Mandalorians didn’t always know when to give up a losing fight, this time, she did. But while she knew this discussion would lead nowhere, she also knew that her relationship with Ezra – whatever it was – was _not_ something to give up.

“So uh,” she tried awkwardly, “what was it Chopper said to you on the ship before we left?”

“He told me I needed to get laid,” he answered in a mumble without missing a beat. Sabine’s cheeks warmed, just a bit.

“Ah,” she replied, even though her mouth had gone dry. “Sounds like Chopper.”

Against her better judgment, she snuck a peek over at Ezra. He did the same a split-second after her, and their eyes met. In that moment she could feel her mind connect to his, just briefly, and the fond warmth that flowed through their connection meant he was thinking the same thing she was, and remembering.

Ezra looked quickly away. The connection shut off abruptly.

“Chopper has a filthy mind,” Sabine said as Ezra methodically shredded a scraggly weed. His brow furrowed, mouth turned down in a frown, but otherwise, he did not respond. Sabine tilted her head back against the side of the ship again, staring up at the sky. “He probably knows anyway,” she muttered.

“What?”

She flinched; the words weren’t supposed to have come out. “You know how Chopper is. Always poking his dome where it doesn’t belong. Turning his sensors way up when people are trying to have private conversations.”

“We weren’t _that_ loud.”

“We weren’t _that_ quiet.”

Sabine caught a hint of a smile on his face, though a blush tinted his cheeks as well. Going with the moment, enjoying the easy feeling between them again, she added, “What can I say, I enjoy the good things in life.”

But it was the wrong thing to say. The feeling started to evaporate the moment Ezra looked up at her again and met her eyes with his.

“And I’m one of the good things?” he asked. His tone was unsure, lacking any sort of self-confidence or bravado or sass that she so often associated with him. Sabine swallowed and wished she hadn’t made that comment.

“Yes,” she said through a very tight throat, her mouth dry again. “You are.”

He nodded and cast his eyes down once more, toward the weed in his fingers. The overwhelming urge to kiss him, to take that sadness away, swept through her, and she clenched her fists. She couldn’t, _couldn’t_ give in to it, although she already felt like her resistance was weakening. She _wanted_ , so much and so bad. Her reasoning for breaking things off with him seemed stupid and illogical now, when she was sitting so close by him, seeing the pain he was going through, feeling that connection between them even without the bond in her mind.

So they sat there. In silence. Behind them, Barshi shouted at people and dealt with customers, and tools whirred as someone in his shop worked on the junk. The sun was now high in the sky, warm, and a pleasant breeze blew. It was an arid world, but not terribly uncomfortable. Ezra shifted to a different position to meditate, crossing his legs and resting his hands on his knees. Sabine used to feel uncomfortable when he did this – she didn’t really understand Jedi, even though she’d known Kanan awhile – and she used to poke Ezra’s arm to see how deep he was in it. She never knew if he was aware of it and ignoring her, or so deeply in a trance that he didn’t sense it at all.

This time, though, he appeared to have relaxed enough to doze off. She doubted he would be comfortable when he woke, so she moved closer to him so that they were touching – they hadn’t been all that far apart to begin with – and gently eased his head onto her shoulder. Tired herself, she closed her eyes again and rested her head on top of his.

“Things will get easier,” she said, not entirely sure who she was saying it to.

“No, they won’t,” he muttered. Sabine scowled.

“Knew you weren’t asleep.”

“I _was_ asleep…”

He dozed off again, and Sabine hoped he wouldn’t remember this when he woke up. _That_ , however, didn’t seem likely, though, as the fox kit padded up, thin tongue dangling out again. It clicked and squeaked at Ezra as it approached, and he came around slowly.

“Mm? What are you doing here again?” he asked as the animal curled up in his lap, making one bushy, russet lump. The kit put its snout on his belt buckle and looked up at him with clear adoration in its eyes, doing that vibrating thing again that was almost like a feline purr. “That feels…really weird.”

Sabine snorted. “You may have to take this little guy with you now.”

“Yeah, I’m sure Hera would _love_ that,” Ezra replied as he petted the fox. “One more mouth to feed.” He shook his fingers out, and coarse hairs floated to the ground. “And it sheds.”

“True, we already have one heavy shedder.”

Ezra stretched his legs out, the kit shifting along with him, and leaned back on his hands. “We keep winding up on these missions where we just sit around and don’t do anything.”

It was an offhand comment, but Sabine could see he immediately regretted it. He was referencing their time in the cave together, not that long ago. Awkward, making an effort to get them back on track with their new reality, Ezra sat back up and scratched the fox under the chin, staring hard at it.

“I mean, not that I mind,” he said. “It’s nice to have down time, you know? Just, you know, look at the world and stuff, and – ”

“Ezra, stop,” Sabine said gently. “Please.”

He did, frowning down at the fox, which couldn’t have been happier. “I don’t know that I’m ever going to be what you want.”

Again, Sabine’s heart cracked, further fracturing, and she kept wondering why she’d done all this, caused all these problems, in the first place.

“You _are_ what I want,” she replied. “I just can’t have you right now.”

“You _can_ , though.” He looked over at her, and when she saw the look in his eyes, it was too painful, and she looked away, clenching her fists again.

“Do you really see this ending up happy?” she asked, because her eyes burned and she couldn’t get the image of his hurt out of her mind. “You really see us making it through in one piece? Alive?”

When he was silent, she looked back at him. His head was bent over the kit, but he’d stopped petting it. The creature’s chest rose and fell with sleep.

“Ezra…?” Sabine prodded, cold starting to prickle through her body. Cold, bone-chilling fear.

There was something he wasn’t telling her.

 “That’s not the reason you’re asking,” he said. He stroked the backs of his fingers down the fox’s small head and neck to its shoulders. Sabine watched, thinking about his hands on her, and how gentle he was. How his touch felt, and how she missed it. How she ached when she was around him, not just in a physical way, but emotional, too, and no one could take that ache away except him. “I know you’re just trying to bait me.”

“And _I_ know you’re not telling me something,” Sabine returned. “Come on, what is it?”

Ezra gathered the kit in his arms and stood, then bent over and placed it in her lap. It only stirred for a moment before going back to sleep with a sigh. “Animals are supposed to decrease stress,” he said. “You should try it.”

Then he walked away without another word, and he did not look back.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera tries to be helpful. Ezra is humiliated. Chopper is himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a (relatively) light chapter that was a ton of fun to write. Hope you enjoy the reprieve after all the angst. 😊

_-Ezra-_

 

Shattered.

That was the word that came to mind when he thought about Sabine and how he felt. He felt _shattered_. And definitely not in the way he felt before, when her body had shattered his, but quite the opposite. It was pure pain now, the flipside of pleasure or happiness. On the ride back up to the _Ghost_ , he stared out the viewport, face set, refusing to be pulled back into gloom. This situation with Sabine was not a permanent thing – he knew that deep, deep down – but actually living through it, being present in it, was something else entirely.

 _“We’ll figure this out,”_ she’d said, not all that long ago.

 _“Promise?”_ he’d asked, because he hadn’t quite believed it, and he _needed_ to hear her say that yes, she would be there for him; yes, she’d give them a real chance; yes, she wouldn’t abandon him.

She’d said it.

_“Yes, I do.”_

She hadn’t lived up to it.

Fear of abandonment was something Ezra figured by now he would carry with him his entire life. Even the very first day he’d met the _Ghost_ crew, Zeb had shoved him out of the way and right into Agent Kallus’s waiting arms. He’d watched, helpless, trapped, captured, as the crew had left him behind. _You did good._

_People don’t come back for me._

Then the Jedi Temple on Lothal. _Abandoned. Again._

What had happened now, with Sabine, felt like it only reinforced and justified his beliefs that everyone left him. The _Ghost_ crew was the first time he’d had friends in years…since his parents disappeared. He’d stopped going to school, and when he wasn’t in Capital City trying to find enough food and supplies to get by, he was alone in the communications tower. Staring out at the city, watching Lothal fall apart, wishing for the comfort of a parent or even a friend. Even a grumpy one who didn’t like him all that much, like that one kid in his class. He’d been friendly with a few adults, like Mr. Sumar, but he hadn’t had anyone to call his own for a long time.

Then the kids had seen him on the streets, and, kids being kids, had laughed at him.

_Is that Ezra Bridger, begging for food?_

_You really do look like a loth-rat now, with hair like that. Where’s your tail?_

Eventually, those same kids had apologized in later years, when they’d entered later schooling and had grown up a lot. The funny thing was…he hadn’t even been an unpopular kid in school. It was just like once his parents disappeared, it was easier to look down on him than pity him. No one wanted to take him in. It stopped hurting after a while, and he stopped relying on people or hoping they would help him. When he could, he peeped in through the windows of the schools to learn what he could, downloaded worksheets and free books off the HoloNet, taught himself what he could. Mr. Sumar and others had contributed, too. And there was a girl who had been in his grade who’d brought him food and a smile.

But mostly, he was alone.

As Ezra sat in his bunk after the mission, rolling his lightsaber between his palms and staring at nothing, he wondered what he would tell his younger self if he could go back in time.

_You’re going to be a Jedi, Ezra. The legends are true! You’re going to be great one day. You’ll have the power to stop bad things from happening. You’ll be able to protect people from getting hurt._

When he’d traveled down the path of the dark side after Malachor, he’d craved that power. _Anything_ to protect his friends. The Sith holocron had seduced him with those lies, and he’d turned on the people he cared about most. It was an awful time, easily one of his lowest. He and Kanan weren’t speaking much, and Sabine only talked to him when she had to. He annoyed her in a whole different way, and she’d called him any number of nasty names to describe his behavior that were, fairly enough, true. _Stop being such a prick, Ezra._ A couple of the times she’d gone off on him in Mando’a stood out in his mind, not because he could understand her, but because of how angry she’d been at him.

She’d been angry because she’d cared. Because she was losing him.

It had come from a good place, his behavior. Not that that mattered with the dark side.

And…the crew had never left him, not even then. Not even when he was entertaining Sith teachings. When Kanan found out, he only wanted to help him. Sabine rolled her eyes and shook her head, her arms crossed as they often were, when he apologized to her.

_I know I haven’t been the greatest lately._

_That,_ she’d said, _is putting it lightly._

But she’d shaken it off, told him that he’d _make a really ugly, short Sith lord_ , and punched him in the shoulder. They’d moved on.

Ezra opened his hands and looked at the lightsaber lying across them. It was already worn. It had already seen so much use. So many battles. Gripping the weapon tight, he dropped his head.

_Too many._

A knock sounded at the door, bringing him out of his dark thoughts.

“Yeah?” he called.

The door opened to reveal a smiling Hera. “Wanted to tell you that you did good today with the supplies. Those people really needed it.”

“Sure. Glad to help.” When Hera closed the door behind her, he inwardly groaned. She had something she wanted to talk about.

“Just wanted to see how you were doing,” she said. Ezra turned his face away.

“I’m fine, Hera. Don’t really want to talk about it.”

“I know. You’ve just been spending a lot of time alone. We miss you.” Ezra didn’t say anything, not sure what he _could_ say to that. “I know you’re not going to want to talk to me about this. That’s okay. But you’re not talking to Kanan, either. We know how hard you’re taking this.”

“It’s my fault,” Ezra said. “I should’ve known better. Not let my feelings get the best of me. I’m trained better.”

Hera huffed a little laugh. “You’re trained by someone just as kind who has feelings like you do and doesn’t believe Jedi should cut themselves off from them. You’re _allowed_ to feel the way you feel. Do you know that?”

Ezra was silent, clenching his teeth. He didn’t really know that, didn’t consider it, and he didn’t trust himself to speak again.

“You’re allowed to be hurt,” Hera continued. “You’re allowed to grieve and be in mourning. You’re allowed to love, Ezra. This isn’t the end.”

“It is for me, Hera,” he said.

“I know kids your age often think that, but – ”

Ezra’s head snapped up to her. “ ‘Kids my age’? How many other parentless Jedi kids do you know? I have _no one_ who understands, except Kanan, and he’s…” The fire that had blown up inside him dwindled down, and he felt guilty for lashing out at her. “I can’t talk to him about this.”

“I know how private it is,” Hera said gently. “I know what you’ve been through.”

“You _know_? Ugh.” With a groan, he flopped back onto his pillow. “This is humiliating. It’s _worse_ than being dumped.”

“I’m not trying to humiliate you,” Hera replied, but that didn’t help even remotely. “It’s natural – ”

Ezra covered his face. “Oh gods, Hera, please, just stop going. Kanan already had _the talk_ with me, and I know you put him up to it. I’m good. It’s already happened. I don’t need to talk about it.”

“We just want to make sure you’re both okay. If you need anything from us – ”

Ezra turned over and buried his face in his pillow, gripping the edges tight with his hands as his face burned. “No, no, no, no, no, I don’t need anything from you guys, thanks.”

“Okay.” Hera’s tone still hadn’t changed. She was still as maternal as ever, not even fazed by this conversation.

Except for the very last bit. Where her voice became a little strained.

“Just…don’t do it on my ship,” she finished. “Whatever you’re doing.”

Ezra’s face grew even hotter, and he buried himself as far as he could go into his pillow. “ _Goodbye_ , Hera,” he mumbled into the fabric.

The door opened and swished closed again, and Ezra let out a breath. He opened his eyes and was about to lift himself up from his pillow when he heard it.

_Mwahahaha._

Electronic evil laughter. His eyes went wide.

_“CHOPPER!”_

Somehow, the droid had snuck in behind Hera and hidden himself in the cabin’s shadows, _listening to the whole thing_. Ezra sat up and threw his lightsaber straight at the droid’s dome.

“I swear – ! If you – !” he sputtered. “Chopper, I will kriffing _dismantle you_ if you tell anyone!”

_The whole ship already knows by now, hot stuff._

“Just _be quiet_ , okay? Let me retain at least _some_ of my dignity here!”

_Bet you made her purrrrr like a loth-cat._

Ezra’s pillow hit the droid in the same place as the lightsaber.

_Only joking, of course. I’m sorry._

“Thank you.” Ezra crossed his arms. “You weren’t helping.”

_No, I mean I’m sorry Sabine had to suffer through that. We all know how good you are with the ladies. Do you even know which end is up?_

Laughing even louder to himself, Chopper swung his manipulators around and clicked them before scooping up the lightsaber and zooming out the door with it. Ezra jumped down off the bunk after him, but the doors snapped shut in his face…and stayed that way. He pounded his fist on them.

“Chopper, open the door! Let me out!”

He could just barely hear Chopper down the hall cackling with glee. His fist hit the door again.

A few beeps sounded outside, the doors bounced open, and Ezra stumbled into the hallway. Sabine arched an eyebrow, her hand still poised over the controls. “What was _that_ all about? Boy, your face is red.”

“I need a drink,” Ezra muttered, walking away toward the common room. Chopper stood by the other exit, Ezra’s lightsaber held over his head triumphantly, spitting a raspberry at him. Ezra sighed and passed his hand over his eyes. “This is just not going to be my day.”

* * *

_-Sabine-_

 

“Sabine?”

With a sigh, Sabine gave up the pretense that she was not in her cabin. Hera clearly was not about to let her ignore the knocks on her door. “Yes?”

Hera entered and then shut the door behind her, signaling to Sabine that whatever this was, it was going to be a serious conversation.

“I wanted to see how you were doing,” Hera said. “How are you feeling?”

“Not great,” Sabine said. “My side is pretty bad tonight.”

“Take it easy.” Hera came further into the room and sat on the bunk next to Sabine. “So, physically you’re not great. Anything else?”

 _Are you crying over your breakup with Ezra?_ Sabine didn’t need to hear the words to know that was what Hera was asking. She crossed her arms.

“I’m fine, Hera.” She said nothing more. If Hera wanted to push, let her be the one to force the answers from her. They were close, and Hera was like a mother to her, but this? This was untouchable.

“Okay,” Hera replied, voice gentle, kind, everything it always was. Sabine was tempted to talk to her, but she couldn’t. She knew that if she opened up, she’d just be letting too much out and would never be able to get it back in. Or stop it. There was no point in that. It wouldn’t really make her feel any better.

Hera stood and began to leave, much to Sabine’s relief. But then she turned back to face her.

“Because Ezra’s not,” Hera said. Now her face was set and had lost some of its softness. “He’s not fine, Sabine. He’s not okay.”

Sabine quickly looked away, angered by the comment. Her arms tightened across her body, and sharpness pricked her eyes.

“I can’t talk to you about this,” she said tightly. “What’s done is done. He’ll get over it. I said it wasn’t forever. Just for now.”

“It doesn’t really work like that, Sabine.” Sabine closed her eyes, trying to block out Hera’s presence, even as she heard Hera walking back over and sinking down beside her on the bunk again. “I don’t know what all went on between you two, or why, but… I also don’t understand what went wrong.”

“Right, like you and Kanan would really have approved. It was a stupid idea. You can say it.”

“On the contrary,” Hera said, “we were happy for you.”

A flash of guilt hit Sabine, and she dug her fingers into her sides.

“I’m sorry,” Hera said. “For what it’s worth.”

Sabine’s lips compressed. “I’m sorry, too. But what’s done is done, and I can’t fix it.”

“You can, Sabine. Nothing is permanent here. I know you two love each other…don’t you?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“So…” Hera held her hands up and shrugged. “What’s the problem?”

“The problem is I can’t let him get hurt because he was watching out for me, or whatever stupid thing it is he usually does. I got hurt on Fresia because _I_ was worried about _him_ , checking on him when I should have been doing my job. We can’t operate like that, Hera. It’s going to get someone killed.”

“I understand your reasoning, and why you think that.”

“But you don’t agree.”

Hera shook her head. “I don’t. How were you expecting him to react, or to feel?”

“I was hoping he’d understand,” Sabine said truthfully. “And I _told_ him it wasn’t permanent. I think after the war, when things calm down…” Seeing the look on Hera’s face, she trailed off. Hera cupped her shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

“Just think about it some more,” Hera said. “Think about what you really, truly want.”

When Hera left the cabin, Sabine was still staring at the door after her, deep in thought.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sabine has a nightmare, and her blaster wound gets aggravated. Ezra helps her through it, and she truly regrets her decision to break things off with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting to the end of the fic, believe it or not! This got well over twice as long as I originally had it. Thanks as always to @aluckydenvermint and other commenters! <3 This is a much, MUCH lighter chapter.

_-Sabine-_

 

This time, it was she who had the nightmare. While they weren’t unusual for her, usually they weren’t so…intense. She dreamed of the people she’d killed, the people she’d seen killed, the loss of the _Ghost_ crew.

She dreamed of Ezra. A warm future, abruptly cut short as Thrawn took him away. Then it was like he was just…

Gone.

Sabine’s eyes flew open, and she blinked at the bottom of the bunk above. Her hand patted the covers, instinctively searching out Ezra’s warmth and comfort until she realized…he wasn’t there. He wouldn’t be there.

It was her fault he wasn’t there.

Sabine let out a slow breath and blinked again at the bunk. Her side hurt horribly, making her wonder if she’d thrashed about in her sleep.

Wincing, she swung her legs over the edge of the bunk and lifted up her sleep shirt. It was too dark in her cabin to see the bandage, and she didn’t want to switch on the overhead light. So she quietly made her way out of the room and down to the ’fresher, her path lit by the dim glow of the ship’s nighttime mode.

Once in front of the mirror, she raised the hem of her tank again and peered at the wound. It was still bandaged, of course, but when she pressed gingerly on it, she winced again. It hurt more than usual.

_I do not want to get a painkiller for this._

Gritting her teeth, she was about to shut the light off and go back to bed, when she heard a knock on the door.

“Sabine?”

Ezra’s voice, quiet, tired. Rough with sleep. He hadn’t even bothered to shake himself awake before searching her out. He’d come as soon as he’d sensed her disquiet, her pain.

“Yeah,” she called.

“You all right?”

“I’m fine.”

“Didn’t feel like you were fine.”

Sabine opened the door to his concerned face, his mouth set in a thin line. “Are you all right?” he asked again, voice even quieter, and gentle. He was worried.

“I…had a nightmare,” she admitted, hugging her arms around her body and looking away from him. “It must’ve been a helluva one, right, because it aggravated my wound.”

“Do you want me to check it out?”

Sabine shook her head. “No, I already did.” She shrugged. “I guess it’s fine.”

“I can…y’know…look at it a different way.”

“Oh, right. The Force. Right.” Gathering her courage – because this was awkward – she pulled her shirt up only as far as she had to. “Sure, go ahead.”

Ezra’s eyes went straight to the wound, not wandering in the slightest. He didn’t try to get a glimpse of what he’d seen before. Instead, he sank to his knees on the floor, and with his fingers, gently prodded the injury before resting his fingertips against it and closing his eyes.

“I looked some stuff up,” he mumbled, clearly still so tired. “Force healing stuff.”

“Oh,” Sabine replied quietly, touched that he would do that after the discomfort and emotional pain of the past couple days. But of course he would. He was Ezra Bridger after all, and in love with her.

He let out a slow breath, sinking into the Force or whatever he did, and Sabine watched him. After a moment, she felt something in her side shift and change, an odd sensation like bits of her were slowly knitting themselves back together. His other hand rested on her abdomen – she tried not to think about when he’d done that in her room, when he’d clearly been thinking about that vision he’d had of them together with a baby – and her hand moved on its own to cover his again. He didn’t mean it like that, of course, but she couldn’t help the reminder nonetheless. She pushed her fingers between his, and he reciprocated, intertwining his with hers.

Finally, he let out another breath, harder, like he was spent, and shook his head as he removed his hands.

“Sorry,” he said. “That’s all I can do.”

Sabine helped him to his feet, and he swayed a little, unsteady. “Thank you,” she murmured. “It does feel better.”

“I’m sorry, Sabine,” he said again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t watching you. Sorry this happened to you. Sorry for…for just _everything_. I feel like all I’ve done is made your life difficult, complicated it in ways you didn’t want or need, and I’m just…” At this, Ezra looked down at the floor. “I’m really sorry.”

Sabine wanted to reach out and tilt his face back up to hers, look into those blue eyes and show him with her own that it was okay, he hadn’t done anything wrong, he was fine. But she was afraid to touch him like that again, knowing her fortitude would fail her.

“Thank you,” she said again. “Go back to sleep. I’ll be all right.”

Ezra nodded and turned away to leave the ’fresher. Sabine went to the common room and sat on the couch, head on her fist, thinking. Her eyes slid closed – she was tired, and it was the middle of the night – and her mind went to her connection with Ezra. She could _feel_ his concern, feel that he wasn’t quite asleep yet.

And because she could feel it, that meant…he’d let her back in.

She missed him terribly. She wanted his company again.

He heard it.

Mere moments later, he reappeared, and he joined her on the couch. He didn’t say anything, and she peered at him as covertly as she could. He was staring at the floor again, and if he sensed her looking, he didn’t let on. Peeking out below the sleeve of his sleep shirt was his own bandage from his own blaster wound he’d gotten on Fresia, when he’d been holding her in his arms. Just as he had, Sabine gently laid her fingertips upon it.

“Does it hurt?” she asked. Ezra shook his head.

“No,” he said. “I practiced the healing technique on myself first. I think I sort of made it worse, really, ’cause I kinda fumbled it, but it’s all right. It’s not bad.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

Ezra shrugged. “Nothing to be sorry about. Cost of battle. Could’ve been a lot worse.”

He was silent then, and Sabine wondered if he was thinking about Kanan’s blindness, or his own facial scars, or both.

“I’ll never know what it feels like for you,” Sabine said. “The Force. I’ve always wondered. The things I see you do… It’s incredible. It really is like magic. There was this magician once when I was a kid, touring the galaxy, and he stopped by our system. I thought he was amazing at the time, but watching you…” She smiled, and he looked up into her eyes. “It’s some kind of magic.”

A slow smile grew on Ezra’s face, and she started to hope again that things were going to be okay between them. “I guess it is,” he said.

Sabine put her chin in her hands and gazed up at nothing in particular. “I used to wish I had that kind of magic – any kind of magic – to get me out of things. My mom harping on me about whatever, a bad test at school, bringing this fish I had back to life, people who didn’t like me…” She shrugged, still staring at the ceiling. “I don’t know.”

“Well, I can’t say that having the Force necessarily makes me more likeable,” Ezra said. “Possibly more _un_ likeable, to be honest. I mean, the Inquisitors and all that. And there’s all this responsibility with it, like, this incredible history to uphold and there are no Jedi left anymore… And then if you really screw up, you know, you can pretty much wreck the whole galaxy.” He shrugged again. “I don’t know, either. If I’d had the choice, to choose this or not. What I would have done. If I’d want this sort of power.”

“I think you’ve done pretty well.”

He hated compliments and brushed it aside as usual. “I guess we’ll let our own history be the judge of that. It _is_ pretty convenient sometimes. Easy meditations to ward off fatigue, the ability to scratch your nose in a helmet… It has a couple perks.”

Sabine chanced a glance at him. He wasn’t looking at her, instead looking slowly around the room. “And what about connecting to people?” she asked. “Feeling what other people think and feel? That’s got to be interesting for someone so touchy-feely as you.”

Ezra didn’t smile. “It is interesting, but it’s also a burden. Empathy is a good thing, but then if you take that on, take on someone else’s thoughts and feelings…you have to know where to draw the line and separate yourself. It’s like opening yourself up to this other dimension of feelings and emotions you didn’t even know existed, and it’s really hard not to get pulled in. And the risk is higher, knowing so much about how people feel.”

“Risk?”

He hesitated for only a moment. “Caring too much.”

A wash of guilt hit Sabine so strongly that it made Ezra stir from his position. He’d clearly felt it, too.

“Let me try something,” he said. He reached for her hand, then paused. “Can I?” Sabine nodded, curious about what he was going to do. Taking her hand, his palm over the back of it, fingers twined with hers again, he took a breath, and she knew he was reaching out to the Force. “I’m just making this up as I go, but…”

Sabine closed her eyes, too, and waited.

It didn’t take long. First, it was wobbly, but then…

It burst in an explosion of color in her mind, a view through his eyes of what his world looked like. It was an incredible view, all his barriers completely down before her. She could _feel_ how he connected to living things, feel the deep emotions he felt.

But then she sensed him trying to hold something back…and lose control.

She saw it. She saw everything. She felt everything.

From the first moment he met her, tried to be super-suave with her _(My name’s Ezra. What’s yours?)_ , all his awful attempts at flirtation, glances he snuck at her when she wasn’t looking, the huge feelings he felt for her that hadn’t dimmed over time. She saw through his eyes how beautiful she was to him, how cherished, how loved. Her own eyes became wet, and she gasped, tightening her fingers hard on his.

Ezra pulled abruptly away, and the vision vanished. When she turned her head to look at him, eyes brimming with tears, he only stared back at her, barriers up again.

“Ezra…” she whispered. “I never knew…”

As he usually did, he looked away. Sabine tried to gauge how he felt, but she couldn’t. He was blocking their connection again, locking it down tight.

“No, don’t,” she said, her hand shooting out to grab his again. “Please don’t. Let me in again.”

His eyes met hers again, unsure, but _she_ was sure now, and she smiled at him. “I’m the one who should be sorry,” she said in a tight voice, so uncharacteristically overwhelmed with emotion right now she could hardly speak. Maybe it was just his flowing over into her with what he’d just done; maybe it was all her. She didn’t know, and she didn’t care. “I have everything to be sorry about.”

Ezra waited, not speaking a word, and she was grateful for it. She swallowed.

“I hope you understand…” She swallowed again, her fingers gripping his hand probably far too tight. “I hope you understand why I did it. Why I ended things with you.”

“Yeah, of course,” he said. “I get it. It’s okay. Really, it is.”

But Sabine shook her head vehemently. “No, it’s _not_ okay. I know I broke your heart into a thousand pieces.”

“More like a million, but…”

“I can’t do it,” she said. “I can’t be away from you. I can’t pretend I want to be. I’ve regretted every minute since we had that talk, and it’s been…” Finally, the tears spilled out. “Oh, Ezra, I’m so, so sorry.”

Whether she fell into his arms or he pulled her into them, she didn’t know, but she hugged him back tightly, arms around his neck, muffling her tears on his shoulder. He rubbed her back, turned his head to kiss her cheek, murmured into her ear that it was okay.

“I love you,” she said. “I’m an idiot, but I love you.”

“You’re not, and I love you, too. I always will.”

The words were too much, and she grabbed onto his shirt and kissed him for the first time in days. The sensation exploded in her mind, bringing her back to that first time. Her hands fisted way too hard into his shirt, her kisses desperate, as if she were afraid he was going to just somehow disappear in front of her. Afraid, too, that what she’d done had still ruined things forever, and he would never forgive her. After all, a Mandalorian never would, and that was how she’d grown up: you messed up, you didn’t get a second chance. She’d nearly died three times over trying for that second chance with her own family.

“I repainted my room,” she whispered. “If you want to see.”

Ezra didn’t reply, but he didn’t need to. Sabine took him by the hand and pulled him up, and they quietly made their way back to the cabins. Once behind closed doors, she wrapped one hand around the back of his neck and kissed him again, while the other hand pulled the string at the waist of his pants until the bow came undone.

Something felt _off_ , though. His hands were loose on her waist – not because of her wound, she didn’t think – and he wasn’t kissing her back with the enthusiasm she usually expected from him.

“Tired?” she asked.

“No, I’m up,” Ezra said. “Wasn’t before, but…definitely up now.”

Sabine frowned and let go of him, falling back a step to give him some space. “Something wrong, then?”

“No, it’s…” He looked away, a dead giveaway that something _was_ wrong, even if he said it wasn’t. “It’s just, um…” He reached up to rub the back of his neck in that familiar gesture she knew all too well. His elbow collided with the wall with a low _thunk_ , and he lowered his hand. But he still didn’t look at her. “You…you broke up with me a couple days ago, and I’m just… I don’t want to get my hopes up again.”

Sabine was close enough to feel Ezra’s hands brush her stomach as he quickly retied the string. Closing himself off to her yet again, physically now. Disappointment filled her along with the hurt of rejection and the sting of embarrassment, but she couldn’t blame him. She deserved this.

“I know,” she said. She stared at his shoulder, trying not to get upset, with this on top of everything else the past few days. It was stupid to get upset; she had brought this on herself, after all. Her hands lowered to her sides, and he didn’t object. Didn’t ask her to replace her hands on him.

Unable to bear being close to Ezra any longer, Sabine turned away, moved away, and put her hands on her hips. _We had this one chance. One chance to get it right, and we screwed it all up._ I _screwed it all up._

Sabine had never been very open about her feelings, so even though she _knew_ she should probably say this out loud, communicate, explain to him how she felt, she couldn’t. A lifetime of telling herself to keep her feelings in check, to not feel feelings, to not _have_ feelings, to be tough, kept her mouth shut.

But she should have known better. Right away, Ezra sensed it, and he stepped up to her. His hand closed around her upper arm.

“Sabine…” he murmured. “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out. I’ve wanted so long to touch you, to kiss you, to _be_ with you. I’m not going to just throw this away.”

She nodded, trying to feel reassured. “Okay,” she said.

“I just…need some time. To not…to not worry, and to trust this again.”

“Yeah, no, I get it. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I understand.”

“Then why won’t you look at me?”

Sabine shook her head. He didn’t press further. “Take all the time you need,” she said. “We have time, right?”

There was the _slightest_ hesitation before Ezra responded. “Sure,” he said, but his voice caught. She got the same feeling she’d gotten when they were with the fox kit, and she’d sensed him hiding something about the future.

“Well, probably should get back to bed,” Sabine said. “G’night.”

“Night.” He didn’t even try to bargain for extra time with her.

Biting the inside of her cheek to keep her feelings in check, Sabine headed toward her bunk. She was about to get in when Ezra’s voice stopped her.

“Sabine.”

She waited, but when he didn’t continue, she turned around toward him. His face was utterly serious, almost but not quite neutral. Whatever he had to say, he meant every word of it, and he needed her to know that as well.

“Please don’t break my heart again,” he said.

Her lip began to tremble, and then he was gone.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this when I was in a rotten place, and I'm in a rotten place again. So here’s some more angst. I initially expanded this story and made the ending happier, but now it’s devolved to a more depressing ending. Hopeful still, yes, but depressing. 
> 
> I know I still have some comments to reply to, and I will get to those soon! Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it! I am thankful for YOU GUYS. 😊

_-Ezra-_

Ezra had barely made it out of the hangar on the way to his room in the Massassi temple, duffel bag slung over his back, before he felt Sabine’s stare on him and hesitant presence in his mind. He hadn’t waited for her when they’d landed, just grabbed his stuff and left the _Ghost_ as fast as he could. It had hurt her, which hadn’t been his intent, but he had to protect himself here, too.

Ezra stopped and turned, and there she was, a dozen paces behind him, still moving slower than her usual brisk pace. He waited for her to catch up.

“Where are you headed?” she asked.

“My quarters,” he answered. “You?”

“Same. Walk me there?”

Ezra snorted at the idea, that Mandalorian Sabine Wren would want a man to escort her to her living quarters. But he knew what it truly was: a request for his presence, which he had made scarce in the last four days while they’d traveled from Fresia to Yavin 4.

They walked in silence for a long stretch, long enough for it to be uncomfortable…and keep going.

“Bad turbulence coming in,” Ezra commented as they drew up to Sabine’s room. “Hera sure made a good landing.”

“C’mon, Ezra,” Sabine said, turning at her door. She was annoyed with his remark, when, in his opinion, she had no right to be. “Small talk? Really?”

Ezra shrugged. “I suppose it’ll be more interesting when we get a new mission?”

Sabine made a face and shook her head, then unlocked her door. It slid to the side and…there it was. Her room, where they’d first consummated their relationship, where everything had changed. He sensed her eyes on him briefly before she dropped her bag inside and smacked the closer.

“Sparring?” she asked.

“Sure,” Ezra answered carefully, trying not to think about her room any further. “Just let me drop my stuff off first. I’ll meet you there.”

\---

Sabine’s words from the time they’d sparred on the ship echoed in Ezra’s head as he pulled his shirt off and dropped it on a stack of mats.

_“How can I rely on you when you’re afraid of hurting me now?”_

_“I need to know I can rely on you.”_

Sabine had already removed her armor and was pacing the gym floor, almost feral, as if she had a lot of energy to work off. He let her be, until she winced and pressed a hand to her side.

“We don’t have to do this,” Ezra said. “You’re still recovering.” Sabine waved him off.

“No, no,” she said. “This’ll be good.” She motioned. “Come on. Show me what you’ve got.”

Ezra shrugged, still reluctant, and if he had to be honest, really just wanting to be alone. “All right.”

He let her win. Usually he put up a fight, and they were pretty evenly matched, but this time, he just didn’t have the heart for it. Even though they’d gotten back together, he was still unsettled, still unhappy. He didn’t trust that things wouldn’t blow up again. Didn’t trust that this was real and here to stay.

Didn’t trust that she wouldn’t do it again.

Oh, he understood, all right. He understood Sabine’s motivations one hundred percent, and he didn’t hold them against her even a little bit. But that was his logic and his brain talking. His heart was tense, fearful, remembering all the _other_ times he’d been ditched, and afraid of trusting again. Trying to guard his heart from more pain. Then there was the Jedi part of him, telling him _this is why attachments are bad_ and _fear is the path of the dark side_.

He wasn’t getting much sleep lately. It had almost been easier when she’d just flat-out dumped him. At least he’d known then how he felt.

Not that Ezra wanted that again. Of course not. He was as happy as he could be with the way things had turned out. But what he needed was more _time_ , time to believe in it again and trust in it, trust in _them_. Opening his heart up to her hadn’t been easy – he’d been terrified to do it. While yes, he wasn’t mad, still, she’d rejected it and thrown it back at him. He just wasn’t over that quite yet.

Sabine knew it, too.

They were both working hard to get back to where they had been, in that blissful place for those few days when everything was wonderful and perfect until Fresia happened. Their bond was open and things flowed back and forth over it same as before. The intense desire to kiss her was still there. His love for her still burned bright. But he feared, so much, that she would just be _gone_ again, and he was reticent to initiate anything physical, even something as little as kissing. Sex was completely out of the question – there was no way he could go through that again right now. Even just the memories alone had turned somewhat painful, because it seemed so distant from where they currently were. Thinking about how vulnerable he’d made himself to her, how much of him he’d let her see, both physically and emotionally, was too much. She’d seen and heard him completely lose all control, and that was such an intensely private, personal thing that he’d never shared with anyone else, so for her to just take all of what he’d given her, including that, and say she didn’t want it… It made Ezra feel embarrassed, that he’d been so unbridled. That he’d _let_ himself be. It made him feel skittish. Shy.

Self-conscious.

Sometimes it made him wonder if he’d given away too much of himself, and too soon. He tried to tell himself that he’d seen her the same way, so she’d given just as much of herself to him as he had to her. And it wasn’t like he’d grown up sheltered or had some outdated notion of _waiting till marriage_ , or that he felt that at the end of the day, he was not wholly ready for sex at eighteen. He’d been thinking about it long enough, and thinking about it with _her_ long enough, to be prepared. Besides, he and Sabine had grown up on the field of battle; entering a sexual relationship was hardly the scariest or most mature thing either of them had done. Nor did he regret it, in any way. What he’d given away was hers to keep, if she even still wanted it anymore. Nothing, really, was inherently wrong with his memories, then.

So why did it _feel_ like it was too much now? Why did it _feel_ like they’d never recover that easygoing relationship they’d had for those few days, where they were just in love and happy?

Sabine got Ezra down on the mat, his back hitting hard and her poised above him gripping his wrists tight.

“Got you,” she said with a triumphant smirk. “Best three out of five? Since you seem to be losing so badly today.”

“Tell you what,” Ezra said: “how about we just declare you the winner and call it a day? That wound could still open back up.”

He slipped his hands out of her grasp and pushed his body backward along the mat, sliding out from under her. Then he got to his feet and grabbed a towel and his shirt.

“What, no quips about me being on top?” she said, a playful note in her voice. “No whining about how you let me win because you have Jedi powers and it’s just polite to let the lady win?”

“Nope,” he replied, picking up a cup of water, his back still to her. “’Fraid I’m all out.” He drained the cup in one go, blotted the sweat from his face, and pulled his shirt back on. When he turned around again, Sabine was also dressed back in her armor, and staring at him. “What, did I put my shirt on backward or something?” he asked.

She shook her head and broke his gaze. “No,” she said. “No.”

Ezra waited for her to join him, and they left the gym together. He was careful to keep his distance, but he sensed her distress over it. So, he reached over and took her hand, letting her know that yes, this was hard; yes, he still hurt, a _damn_ lot; but yes, he was still going to try as hard as he could. The bond smoothed over, calming as he connected physically to her, and he felt relieved, too, now, without realizing that the simple action would soothe him as well.

Once more they returned to her quarters, and he loosened his fingers around hers so he could leave, but she didn’t do the same.

“No,” Sabine said as the door slid open. “We’re going to talk. Get in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this ends awkwardly, but the chapter got too long and I needed to split it up somewhere. I know I'm taking forever to update, too (I'm really sorry!!), but I'll keep trying to be faster. Comments always so very much appreciated, and they are so encouraging. Thank you. 😊


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sabine and Ezra work things out. It’s a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I’ve been so behind on comments, guys. Just trying to get through some tough stuff and keep my head above water. A light chapter here, at least.

 

_Work away today, work away tomorrow._   
_Never comes the day for my love and me._   
_I feel her gently sighing as the evening slips away._   
_If only you knew what's inside of me now_   
_You wouldn't want to know me somehow,_   
_But_   
_You will love me tonight,_   
_We alone will be alright,_   
_In the end._

_Give just a little bit more_   
_Take a little bit less_   
_From each other tonight_   
_Admit what you're feeling_   
_And see what's in front of you,_   
_It's never out of your sight._   
_You know it's true,_   
_We all know that it's true._

_~[“Never Comes the Day,” Moody Blues](https://youtu.be/8u1zH11yqFQ)_

  
Sabine didn’t really give Ezra much of a choice on the matter, pulling him along behind her as she entered the room. It was too much for him, though, overwhelming with the Force and the intense memories it had created. For a moment he just stood there, wordless, taking the room in and letting the memories wash over him.

“Is this hard for you?” Sabine asked. “Being here?”

“Yes,” Ezra answered. “The Force, it makes things, y’know, more intense, so…memories can be harder.”

Sabine lowered herself down to her bunk. “And why has this one suddenly turned into a bad one?” she asked gently.

“It hasn’t.” He crossed the room and sat beside her, setting his hand lightly on her thigh, purposely connecting to her again. “It hasn’t, Sabine. It’s not. It’s…great. One of my best memories, actually, and I don’t have a lot. It’s just…after everything… I just want that back. That place we were in for those few days. Where everything felt okay.”

“Before I ruined everything.” Sabine’s fist clenched on the bedspread. “And now you’re dropping all these hints like you’re not going to be around that much longer, and what if I’ve stolen this time from us?”

“You didn’t do it on purpose,” Ezra said. “And things turned out all right in the end. Right? We’re still together.”

“But not happily.”

Ezra sighed. “I think we both knew that wasn’t going to last very long. Eventually someone would’ve found out and given us a hard time, or…something. I don’t know. But with a war going on, there was never going to be some big honeymoon period for us. Look at Kanan and Hera. Even they don’t look like they’re happy most of the time, and they’ve been together for years.”

“Yeah,” Sabine said glumly. “You’re right.”

“So look. Why don’t we just…start over. Do our best to go back to the way things were. Just maybe…slow it down a bit. Maybe try to do it like we were supposed to. I can’t…I can’t handle that level of intensity again, not right now, when we could go after Lothal any day.”

“Right. Sure.”

Sabine looked away, and Ezra tightened his hand on her thigh and leaned closer to her, trying to reassure her. “Sabine, I’m not saying we shouldn’t touch or kiss or be a real couple or anything… I mean, do you have any idea, _any_ idea, how many times I thought about that?”

Her Force sense eased a bit, the light humor in his voice soothing her again. “I kind of don’t want to know, to be honest.”

Ezra laughed and reached for her hand to twine his fingers with hers. “I’m sorry I annoyed you so much. Looking back, there is so much I would’ve done differently. _So_ much. Like everything.”

Sabine finally looked up at him again, a fond smile on her face. “Yeah, but if you had, maybe things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did.”

He mirrored her smile, tightening his grip on her hand. “When did you know?”

“About a year ago, when I started dreaming about you.”

“Oh, you started dreaming about me, huh?” he said, eyebrows raised. _Now_ he was curious. “What happened in these dreams?”

Sabine snorted, and with her free hand, punched him in the shoulder. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“I would _love_ to know.” Then he closed his eyes. “Actually, there’s a Jedi trick for that – ”

He sensed her next blow and fended it off with both hands, but her strength knocked him back onto the mattress. Hands still raised, he grinned up at her while she scowled above him. Her hand curled into a fist.

“Only joking,” he assured her. “You know I wouldn’t go into your mind without your permission. Especially not to access dirty dreams.”

“They weren’t even dirty, Ezra. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

“Well, now I’m just offended. You can ask me about mine. I’ll tell you.”

Sabine made a face. “No, thanks. They can stay where they belong.”

“It was pretty awkward with Zeb being there, you know.”

“Stop. Please.”

Ezra chuckled and wrapped his arms around her waist. “ _Now_ I think I’ll make a quip about you being on top.”

Sabine rolled her eyes and started to move off him, but he tightened his arms to keep her in place.

“No, no,” he said. “I like you there. Looks great.”

“Typical.” Sabine slid off to the side and propped her cheek on her fist. “So what was Chopper giving you a hard time about yesterday?”

Ezra turned his palms up. “Which time? There are so many to choose from.”

“When he came whizzing out of your room and locked you in and you had a meltdown over it.”

Embarrassment hit Ezra so hard and so abruptly that he _knew_ she had to have felt it, too.

“Hera came in to talk to me,” he said coolly, in an effort to deflect Sabine’s curiosity. “About stuff.”

“Yeah, she talked to me about stuff too,” Sabine said. “Where does Chopper fit in?”

“He snuck in and overheard. Added in his own commentary.”

Sabine smiled. “Oh?” she said, and he made sure to keep his eyes on the ceiling. “What did he say?”

“Nothing important.” Ezra shrugged. “Just Chopper being Chopper. Y’know.”

For a couple moments Sabine didn’t reply, and Ezra had _almost_ breathed a sigh of relief that the conversation was over –

When she let out a laugh. She’d figured it out. “Did he say you were bad in the sack?” she asked.

“What?! _No._ ”

Sabine snorted in amusement and then continued to chuckle. Ezra scowled.

“Why, do you think I am?” he snapped.

“Insecurity is so attractive.”

“I’m not insecure.”

“Maybe a little. Boys always make such a big deal about nothing.”

 _“Boys?”_ he repeated, looking over at her in shock. “I’m _eighteen_ – ”

“Yeah, and you’re acting like you’re fifteen.”

Ezra didn’t say anything, instead looking away and clenching his jaw. Yeah, he was insecure about it. Of _course_ he was. He didn’t want Sabine to think he was terrible and unsatisfactory and a huge let-down because he didn’t know what he was doing. Maybe she had some grand fantasy she’d always had in mind, and he didn’t live up to it. He _did_ worry. He wanted things – everything – to be right for her. She _deserved_ “right.”  

“Come on, Ezra,” Sabine said jovially with yet another punch to his shoulder. “You know not to listen to a thing Chopper says. He’s a born liar. Chop’s just taking a cheap shot at your self-confidence, because you’re egotistical about everything else, and he knows how to get to anybody. Who cares if that dumb trashcan says you’re a bad lay? You’re not sleeping with him.”

“Well, it’s not like I’ve been out _practicing_ ,” Ezra growled. Sabine chuckled again and ducked her face into his shoulder, far more amused than she had any right to be. He wrapped his arm around her, still sour.

“Oh, Ezra,” she said. “The things you worry about. All that matters is how _we_ feel. And if it makes you feel any better, Chopper has been doing that stuff to me too now that he knows. He hacked my personal datapad so that when I turned it on, it displayed articles on ‘how not to date losers’ and a list of testimonials by women who have supposedly all gotten pregnant by Jedi in their sleep despite getting the shot.”

“Sounds like Chopper.”

“You love him.”

“I don’t.”

“Do too.”

Ezra rolled onto his side toward her. “What I love is _you_ ,” he said, reaching out to cup her cheek. She turned her face into his palm and kissed it, and that simple kiss sparked flames that had been ashes for days. Watching her nuzzle into his hand, uncharacteristically tender, eyes closed as she drank in the moment and focused on nothing but him, he forced himself to swallow past a dry throat.

She looked so beautiful, so soft, and he wanted _so much_ for everything bad that had happened with them to have never happened. Ezra kept watching her, his chest tight as he breathed shallowly, and he felt his hands begin to shake – a telltale sign he was in too deep. Forcing himself to focus, he tried to take his hand away from her cheek…and found he couldn’t. He knew she was deliberately making him twist like this with discomfort, but he couldn’t even find it within himself to be annoyed with her.

Then she began to kiss his fingertips, one by one, and he jerked his hand away to his side.

“That’s _not_ helping,” he said. Sabine lazily opened her eyes, the picture of pure innocence.

“Not helping _what_?” she asked.

He rolled his eyes at her and shook his head, flummoxed as he usually was with her, and turned away toward the door. She knew very well what he meant.

“I should probably go,” he said. “We should get some good sleep while we can.”

Sabine caught his hand as he started to rise from the bunk. He looked back over his shoulder at her, and his heart thudded in his chest.

“Don’t go just yet,” she said. Her other hand wrapped around his arm, and gently, she pulled him back down with her. He balanced his weight on his hands as he leaned in to kiss her. Soon he was pressed all the way against her, and the jungle heat made his clothes suddenly feel too hot and stifling. He reminded himself again and again that it was important that they slow down, given what she’d said about how fast they’d moved when she’d broken up with him, and he clenched his fists in an effort to keep himself from touching her places he knew he needed to stay away from right now.

“Ezra…” she finally said. “Why?”

It was not a question he was expecting. Wondering what he’d managed to kriff up _this_ time, he swallowed and said, “Why what?”

She ran her hand across his shoulder and down his arm. “Why me?”

“Why you…?” It was an odd thing for her to ask, and it baffled him. “I…I haven’t really thought about that before. I just met you and you were beautiful and strong and capable and smart and… I mean, mostly, at first, I just thought you were _really_ pretty, and so, so outside my league.” Ezra paused a moment, pulled a hand down his face, and continued. “I was this poor street rat, bad attitude, and you were this sophisticated Mandalorian. Over time, once I gave up my hopes of you ever noticing me, I just really wanted to know you. Be friends with you.” He shrugged. “What can I say, I like strong women who can crush me.”

“You are awful soft,” Sabine agreed. “I know you didn’t really _choose_ me – we just happened to wind up together, and you were fourteen and…well, had the feelings of a fourteen-year-old boy – but I hope you know that I did choose you. That’s why I kissed you in the jungle on Yavin 4. All those years of fighting alongside you, seeing what kind of person you were becoming…had become… And the prison, and…” She stopped, as if flustered, and briefly broke eye contact. When she met his eyes again, she said quietly, “I chose you. I _wanted_ to be with you. When Fresia happened, it scared me so much that I had to back out. I would do anything to keep you safe, Ezra. You have to know that.”

“I do,” he replied softly, reaching down to brush hair behind her ear. “I know you would. I would, too. I would and I will.” He swallowed again, forcing the fear down. “I will, and I’ll have to.”

Sabine’s brows came together, and she bit her lip. Ezra saw the question in her eyes, saw the fear at the potential answer, and knew she wasn’t going to ask it. He was grateful – he couldn’t answer it. He couldn’t assure her that he would be safe, and he couldn’t tell her that he wouldn’t be. He didn’t _know_. Right now, he didn’t even want to know.

“We’ve got a few hours,” Ezra said, gently steering the conversation away to something much less dangerous. “We could do something normal couples do, I guess.”

“And what’s that?” Sabine asked.

“You think _I_ know?”

“Hmm…”

“Or,” Ezra said, “we could just stay here, not do anything, not see anybody. Just us.”

“That,” Sabine replied, “sounds like an excellent idea.”


	16. Epilogue: The Liberation of Lothal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Battle of Lothal begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at the end!

_Here I am waiting, I'll have to leave soon  
Why am I holding on?  
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along  
How did it come so fast?  
This is our last night but it's late  
And I'm trying not to sleep  
'Cause I know, when I wake  
I will have to slip away_

_And when the daylight comes I'll have to go  
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close  
'Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own  
But tonight I need to hold you so close_

_~[Maroon 5, “Daylight”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDMcp4wE5fc)_

 

 

The mood on the _Ghost_ was somber. Ezra was on watch again, staring up at Lothal’s night sky and tracing the path of the constellations. The Archer, the Princess, the Well. The animals the Princess encountered. _The Warrior Daughter_. That was what Sabine had called Lothal’s Princess.

“Have they changed?” Sabine asked as she approached behind him. Ezra smiled wistfully. He knew his plan for tomorrow, knew what the future would hold.

“Not yet,” he said. “Although that loth-rabbit is starting to look like a loth-sloth.”

“Loth-sloth. That’s a tongue twister.” She sat down next to him, and for a moment, they studied the stars in silence, listening to the sounds of the night. “Tomorrow…”

“Yeah.”

“Right.”

Sabine shifted, as if she were uncomfortable. “I could use some company tonight,” she said mildly. “If you’re interested.”

Ezra’s eyes shot to her face as he frowned. Why would she…? But Sabine was looking up at the sky still, her face blank. There was nothing more to her request than that: it was simply an offer of companionship.

“That one over there is the Fire Snake,” she said as she pointed to a pattern Ezra couldn’t see. “He’s alone, isolated from all the others. He was shunned by them for being different, and they think he doesn’t feel that, but he does. He maybe acted ways he shouldn’t have sometimes, but his heart is in the right place. All he wants…” She swallowed and very resolutely did not take her gaze from the sky above. “All he wants is to protect those he loves.”

“Well,” Ezra said, “he sounds like he’s not doing too bad to me.”

Sabine looked over at him with a smile, and she placed her hand on top of his in the grass. “Race you to the ship?”

\---

Things being as they were, Sabine and Ezra didn’t bother with trying to hide the fact that he was going to her cabin. Kanan and Hera had already known the situation back when they’d been together and broken up (then gotten back together again), but it hadn’t taken long for Zeb to catch on after that. Now that Kanan was gone, and they were about to fight for Lothal’s freedom, it just didn’t seem to matter if Ezra was going to spend the night in Sabine’s bunk.

She didn’t even bother keeping her door closed that night. Ezra just walked into her room and shut the door behind him, while she finished tidying her few items in the small space.

“I get stressed if I get cluttered,” Sabine said, quickly, almost nervously, putting her room in order.

“I know you do,” Ezra said.

“Right. Of course you do.” Straightening, she turned and looked at him. It was the first time in a long time that he’d gotten to just…look at her. Really take her in again.

The sight was breathtaking, and he knew he was staring. But she was staring, too, and she stepped toward him, and he came toward her as well. The spark between them made his heart race, made his desire to reach out and take her hand almost overwhelming, but he took a breath and held himself in check.

“Want to go to bed?” she asked.

He could’ve made a joke; he didn’t. Instead, he nodded, and he followed her to the bunk. Like he always had, he climbed in first and moved toward the wall, and she got in after him. He was very careful not to touch her, though that was all but impossible in the small space.

It was also very uncomfortable.

Until Sabine broke the tension and laid her head on his shoulder and her hand on his chest. Ezra responded by putting his arm around her, and he hoped that was all right. It seemed to be, because even though that undeniable spark was still there between them, this felt more like…friendship. Even though they were together again, they hadn’t advanced things physically beyond kissing, so they were hardly still lovers. And that was okay. He could deal with that.

In the morning, the rebels would start their attack on the Empire’s forces, and after that…

Ezra closed his eyes and touched his cheek to her hair. The sensation immediately flooded him and rocketed him back in time to their few days together. How long had it been? A week? Week and a half, maybe? It had been so, so little time.

 _“You’re perfect,”_ she had said, and that was something he came back to over and over in the silence of the night when he was in his cabin with Zeb. That, and the rest of the memory of their last night together, her admission of love, and the feelings he’d burned into his mind. It was going to get him through whatever happened tomorrow. He knew that for sure.

 _I’ll come back to you,_ he thought as he listened to her breathe deeply with sleep. _Count on me._

* * *

The Imperial scout transport closed in on the capital. On the floor, Governor Pryce was gloating to no one but herself and sending nasty looks to all the rebels in the craft. Kallus looked highly unamused and mostly disgusted.

Sabine was to Ezra’s right, and they were both dressed in uncomfortable scout trooper armor. He was gripping a handhold above his head to hold on in the open-aired craft, as was Sabine. His plans were running through his head. The turmoil of emotions from their relationship had slowly faded, replaced by the need to liberate his homeplanet and rid it of the Empire for good.

Besides, it seemed trivial in light of Kanan’s sacrifice. Not that Kanan would want him to think that, but that ache had mostly replaced the worries left by the unexpected course his and Sabine's relationship had taken.

Still…they’d managed to find a way to make things work again. They’d resumed some sort of normal.

Sabine elbowed him. “Hey, you okay?” she asked.

Ezra looked at her. In some ways, yes. In other ways, not at all. “I know,” he said, “I can always count on you.”

She immediately looked suspicious. “All right, what are you up to?”

Hera’s voice came on over the comm. “We’re coming up on the capital. Better get ready.”

Pryce sent the codes over, and the transports landed. Kallus continued looking extremely unimpressed. Everyone started to disembark the ship. Ezra had approximately five seconds before he and Sabine had to go, too. He wanted to make the most of every one of them.

Pulling her out of sight of everyone else on the landing platform, he kissed her hurriedly. “I will always love you,” he said. “No matter what.”

Sabine quickly cupped his cheeks. “I know,” she whispered. “I love you, too.” Then, as if she knew how badly he needed to hear the words, or perhaps because she needed to hear them aloud herself, she murmured, “We’ll talk again. After your home is free.”

Then she lowered her scout trooper faceplate, and she was gone. Ezra did the same, and he looked out of the transport to see Pryce smirking.

“Touching,” she mocked.

“Go to hell, Pryce,” Sabine returned acidly. “Did we hit a sore spot? Hurts, doesn’t it?”

Filled with a different kind of hope now, Ezra jumped off the shuttle and took his place in line.

It was time to liberate Lothal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! The end! Thank you so, so much for reading, and especially for all the awesome comments!! I did not intend for this piece to be sad, but it just wrote itself that way after they sparred and Sabine said she was worried about things changing too much with their relationship. Then this became angsty and sad and…ugh, I hate sad. But if I write the third piece, it’ll all be fixed and happy in the end. I hope you’ll be back for the last piece of this teeny!trilogy, too, ~~if I ever write it~~. 😊 I do have some other short pieces in the pipeline, in a collection of oneshots. They're called "Happy Birthday, Ezra Bridger" (halfway done), "Body Heat" (done; preview [here!](https://loth-cat-loth-cat.tumblr.com/post/189882350285/well-anyway-i-wrote-some-new-sabezra-fluff)), and "Triggered" (nearly done).
> 
> Again, ignore my mess-up with constellations in relation to each planet. I know you can’t see the same ones from different planets. Whoops. But I’m not going to rewrite at this point.
> 
> Also, no one commented on the chapter I posted two weeks ago. Sad face. ☹

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on [tumblr](https://loth-cat-loth-cat.tumblr.com)!


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